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Okay. I’ve been absent but life had gone nuts for quite a bit and with it went my weight.

EFF. Here we go again.

School/End Of Year

Through finals I was on the edge fighting for a lot of my grades. I had pretty much given up hope on organic but wasn’t going down without a fight. I kind of assumed I was going to have to retake it getting a possible C which does not help with my MD dreams. Somehow I kicked butt on the final and ended up with a B. A freaking B! Holy shit! I was praying for a B- but hot damn I did it. Got A in psychopathology and my research 499 and an A- in my cadaver dissection. A graduate course, which I am quite pleased with. Deans list baby! Med school here I come…I hope.

Life

I’m now home. The semester finished up I cleaned up and completed my RA duties. Won RA program of the year. Very proud of that. Said goodbye to my staff and am finally home. Love and hate being home all at once. My Mom drives me a little crazy and I’ve only been home for 5 days. I don’t have room for any of my clothes or things which is frustrating. But it’ll work out, I think. Still looking for a job. Set up a lot of shadowing opportunities this summer. 1 pediatrician 1 OBGYN and 1 hospitals and hopefully a podiatrist. Gotta get the experience in! I also want to get more involved in my home church and volunteer some more. Can’t wait!

Health

Here is my embarrassment. Through the past month/4 weeks I have gained roughly 15lbs. I know its horribly disgusting. Just grades had to come first. I didn’t have time to walk across the 1/2 mile campus there and back to go eat the salads. =/ It’s not that I’ve eaten all that bad, in addition I just haven’t had time to work out. Thats the frustrating part with my body. I feel like I gain weight so much easier than everyone else. Its not massive portions and its not extremely unhealthy. Its just not salads every day. Which is sort of disheartening. Its like, to be anywhere near normal do I have to really eat salads everyday for my body? I’m limiting calorie intake to 1300calories and still watching it…but I guess I wish I could maintain with that. I need to get over my pity party. Time to suck it up and eat rabbit food and exercise once again. Its my own fault my body is like this so here I am taking responsibility.

Love

ummm…so I’m dating someone? He is exactly everything I would never imagine dating but I like him. He’s got some bad habits (smoking ew) but I like him all the same. Met in h.s and just reconnected. I’ll keep you all posted.

Time to be religious about blogging and being accountable for my weight. Here we go summer!

-B

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A Mothers Approval-An emotional, honest, and raw post

Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval. 

So, currently sitting in Panera writing this getting ready to bunker down and do some homework. Unfortunately  I am sitting at a big table for 4 when it’s busy because there were NO OTHER CHAIRS so I look like a jerk. Dear, Panera goers, I am NOT A JERK. There were just no other tables! I swear.

Anyway. I just felt the need to write this post because of what just took place. My mom said “Good Job” for the amount of weight I’ve lost. This is the first compliment my mothers has given me about my body. This has been the first not backhanded compliment/encouragement she has made since I’ve started this journey. She was dropping me off  at Panera while the oil in my car was being changed. She said she was looking at old pictures of me and my sister, and it was amazing to her, the amount of weight we’ve both lost. “Good Job”. I just nodded back a bit dumb founded and not sure how to react. My mother and my relationship is a bit complicated to say the least.

Some Back Story: She has always been thin and beautiful one.She is my superhero. Not many people can say their mother went back to school while working part time and having 2 children both under the age of 3 with pets. Though I know she loves me, growing up she has been somewhat wrapped up in her own life. I went through a really rough time with both my parents once I got past the age of 13. I have had random moments of depression and a lot of my own issues that they never really knew about. Partially because I didn’t tell them but partially because they didn’t care to know or address it. Its made me and my parents relationship somewhat distant and weird. Since coming to college it has gotten better, but it is far from ideal. Most of that is because I honestly hold back and keep to myself, but if it keeps the house peaceful I’m for it. I wish I could say that me and my mom are best friends like Rory and Lorelei Gilmore, but we aren’t. Its just a fact. I wish I could share things with them, but its just not our relationship.

Back to the present: I’m sitting just confused about what took place. Any time my mother has commented on my body, before or after weight loss it has always been about how I could lose a bit more. Or how I could eat better. Or where I could get connected for help. Or how some article of clothing will look better in a few months. She has always tried to keep improving me. She means well but with my body issues and probably a mix of me being sensitive its taken a toll on me. I’ve never felt that she has been very happy with me. Please do NOT critique my mother, its my own feelings that need to be evaluated here, not her.  I’ve never felt like I could ever just be enough with her. I don’t think she has meant to do this and I know she loves me but its been hard. For a long time now I have been wanting her to make some sort of positive comment. Even more so with my weight loss. Just say one good thing about how I look nice not that I need to keep going. Trust me I KNOW I need to keep going. I’ve just been waiting for what feels like for FOREVER for this one little thing. For her stamp of approval.

Sitting in Panera now I realize I have been subconsciously striving for my mothers approval for what appears to be years. Its so obvious to me now. I’ve ached for it even more since my weight loss started since this past summer.Thinking that once it’s gone I’d finally be enough. Looking back I’m realizing that when that compliment never came this past summer/fall, I finally gave up on ever hearing it. After losing so much weight she still never said it. What else could I do? I came to terms that I needed to accept myself and let that be enough. But as I write this I find myself on the brink of tears. She said it. She finally said it, and I have this raw hallow ache in my chest. Its so hard to explain. I don’t know what to say or how to analyze it. But I knew I needed to write it down, get it out, tell someone. Even if its just a computer screen. Not sure if its a happy or sad feeling, but its a feeling all the same.

Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval. 

Quick weight update.Still going good. Eating healthy. Been sick since spring break started so havent been able to hit the gym the way I wanted. With this cold though, there was no way. Almost to those beautiful 170s!

With peace,

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:182.8lb4

Weight loss so far: 52.2lbs

189.2!

Hey all

Just a quick weight update. This morning stepped on the scale and saw a number I have been so desperately craving to see. 189.2. I’m FINALLY in the 180’s! God its been so frustrating gaining and loosing weight. I know its not far from the 190’s but it is a step in the right direction. Its insane to think I lost 45lbs so far. I have a bit of a ways to go. But I’m so happy with whats come so far. Just gotta keep going and keep my head up.

Finals are here. I’m sick. Winter break is almost here! I can’t wait! =]

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:189.2lbs

Weight loss so far: 45.8 lbs

The vow-day 5 Surprising Scale Movement(40lbs later)

So today started out with a surprise! I have been dropping weight rather quickly(Which never happens) and yes I have been eating enough and yes I have been working out and doing this all the healthy way. I measure in the mornings to avoid water weight. But according to the scale in 5 days I have lost about 6 lbs. I’m thinking its a mix of when I was eating “bad” I have been eating the better choices of the bad. Does that even make sense? As well as I dropped to 193 the week before gaining again. So I’m wondering if that has anything to do with it. Like its easier to move weight that didn’t exist before? I don’t know if there is any truth to that. As well as I think I’m going to get my period next week so maybe thats why my weight has been so stubborn and suddenly shifted? Sorry, thats probably TMI but oh well. I’m just hoping it stays off.

However, it puts me at the end of my summer as 40lbs lost. HOLY CRAP! I NEVER ever thought I could do that, ever. Not in my wildest dreams. I’m now out of the obesity BMI standards and 40lbs lighter. yay!!!! I’m so excited. I am like dancing around the room excited. I still have a long way to go, but its still an improvment.

My work out today was a bit hard to start. I started on on a walk run treadmill finishing a mile. Then ab work and then decided I would not accept such a crappy run. So I hopped onto the treadmill again and rock a 2.1 walk run. HECKS YES! Finally something to feel good about. Even though it was somewhat slow, I just am happy everything worked out.

I had oatmeal for early breakfast, then a breakfast sandwich later because I got up way early and was super hungry. Went to class. Had pretzels as a snack. Went to work. Worked out. Staff meeting, and now I am about to go out with my staff for team trivia at a pizza place. I have decided I will indulge just a SMALL amount only.

Thoughts after dinner:

Didn’t do so hot. My boss bought a ton of appetizers for the table and that way no one had to buy. But because of that I just couldn’t say no. I had a potato skin, 4 cheese sticks, chips with salsa and avocado/artichoke dip. Crap crap crap. So glad I did the extra time at the gym. Tomorrow is my day off. So I have to get a few things done, then I just need to go hard at the gym. Laundry. Organize and clean to move.

Hope you’re all doing well.

-B

Day 4

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:194.8lbs

Weight loss so far: 40.2lbs

The vow-day 4

First of all,sorry for the short and somewhat crappy post yesterday. It was safe to say I was EXHAUSTED.

Today however was pretty productive. I worked in the morning and then cleaned most of the day. Ate pretty well. Greek yogurt for breakfast. Rice and chicken for lunch and dinner peanut butter sandwich. Add a hard boiled egg and you have my day.

I went for a small walk/run. Only went a mile. I couldn’t seem to get my balance on the treadmill at all. It really was hard for some reason. Too slow, too quick just all over. I really want one good run ya know? I just have to do it tomorrow. I will ROCK tomorrow’s run and my body has no choice.

Also tomorrow I need to finish packing and cleaning as well as touching base with a few teachers and actually teach in 309 tomorrow. It’ll be a blast.

I’m quite hungry right now and am fighting cravings so I’m drinking water and possibly debating a small snack. TBD later.

Happy weight loss! I know my scale is behaving itself =] I’m past the obesity point as well for a second time.yay!

-B

Day 4

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:196.8lbs

Weight loss so far: 38.2lbs

Work For It Vow

Hey all!

Here comes a reality check for me. In the past few days I have been eating nothing but crap. My cravings are up from it too. I haven’t been watching how much I’m intaking and not working out.

This next week is about to be nuts. I move, do my first ever 5K color(gah!) run , pack clean check out, unpack, have guest, take a test for a job, figure out my classes, apply a few places, and meet for a mission trip. Tonight I take a vow to eat clean and work out for exactly 10 days straight. No if, ands,or buts about it. To MAKE the time because school year will be this busy and I don’t want to slip anymore. I don’t care if it’s a crappy run. It is a run and I’m passing the people sitting on the couch! Starting tonight before bed. I am finishing organizing mostly and working out! Just to get going =]

So. This is me making a promise to myself. The next 10 days is my body’s boot camp. Working out. Eating Clean. Learning to love and celebrate the burn my body can create all over again. Here we go self. I will post everyday forcing myself to stay focused.

Feel free to join me and do the same!

-B

Day 1

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:200.4lbs

Weight loss so far: 34.6lbs

*Yikes I knew I gained again….=/*

Favorite Work Out Moves?

I get by with a little help from my friends =]

I get by with a little help from my friends =]

Hey everyone! Today I want to ask (if anyone is reading even) what are some of your favorite work out moves? Lately I find myself doing the same things over and over. Not that it isn’t working, but I think me AND my body are starting to get bored with it. Yes I’ve upped both the weight and reps. But I still wish I knew more. Being a poor college student limits me to not ever seeing a trainer and making it up on my own. With the help of the internet this very unfit girl taught herself to workout. So here I am trying to do it again.

A sample work out of mine goes something like this:

I ALWAYS stretch and warm up before. It helps prevent injury and increases flexibility. My body will appreciate me later.

*Pick 2 of the following groups then cardio at the end*

ARMS/BACK

  • bicep curls 15reps(3X)
  • triceps dip 20reps(3X)
  • weighted “row” single arm at a time  15reps (3X)
  • push ups 50reps (3X)
  • triceps extensions 15reps (3X)
  • laying triceps extension 10 reps (3X)

LEGS/Butt

  • Squats 15reps(3X)
  • squat jump 10reps (3X)
  • squat holds 10reps(2X)
  • weighted walking lunges, in each hand 3 times around the track (3X) *At my gym that’s a mile of lunges*
  • calf lifts 50reps (2X)
  • wall sit 2 minutes (up to 5X)

ABS/OBLIQUES

  • crunches 50reps (3X)
  • side crunches each side 50reps (3X) *each crunch you can pull up your knees to make it harder*
  • balance ball sit ups 20reps (3X)
  • leg lifts each side 50reps (2X)*Lift with your side!*
  • Russian twists with medicine ball 20 counts on one side (4reps)
  • plank 1 minute (3X)

To finish I do at minimum 30minutes of running. But try to do an hour or so of walk/running or 3-5miles. Whatever happens first and depending on my mood, as well as how much “bad” food I want to eat.

Finish with a 5 minute cool down and stretching. Your body will be a lot happier if you do this later.

So what do you do? What work outs do you enjoy or work best for you? Would love to hear from anyone and everyone!

*Side Note: I am in no way shape or form a personal trainer or a fitness expert. If you try any of these it is at your own risk. Plus if you had to sue someone, it would be wise to pick someone with money, which wouldn’t be me.*