Hey everyone,

I know it has been quite awhile. But here has been really busy. quick highlights:

• R and I broke up. My world was kinda crushed. I’m struggling but getting better.
• I’m at a low weight yay! But that was after I increased quite a bit.
• I’m vitamin D deficient. Like to the max. So thats part of why I had been so sleepy and loosing my hair brittle nails and gaining some weight.
• I had mono…and didn’t see a doctor till after the fact. “mama didn’t raise any whiners”
• My floor is amazing I love them as people
• Thanksgiving break is coming up. yay!
• School is going okay.
• Running=I suck

So that was the brief stuff if you wanted. Now here is the actual explanation of everything. I’ve been MIA because school is REALLY getting hard. I don’t know what it is but I’ve been struggling more than ever.

I had been really sick and brushed it off as a cold. Not really having a doctors office open at college student hours here sucked. I finally went after I gained a total of 25lbs in 2 weeks. No joke. It was insane. I wanted to cry when I stepped on the scale. Those numbers made me feel like I had lost a llc control. Even though all I really eat is super healthy things and none of the yummy fatty things. Was truly heart breaking. So I went to the doctors got some blood work. Turns out I had mono and have extreme vit. D deficiency. They said its common, but my levels are so low that I’ll need a doctor prescribed amount.  So I worked really hard and I’m back down to being smaller.

R and I broke up. Well he broke up with me. Its stupid to be so upset. But we were a week away from a year….and I fell apart. I just didn’t care and was sad. I couldn’t do much of anything for a few days. Why must dating be so hard? If there is someone out there for everyone, where is my someone? Why am I alone? =/ Part of me thinks I will be the friend who never gets anyone. I’ll be the one who dies alone. Let be honest, people do all the time. That sounds awful but its true. I feel so lonely and when I think about it, who would want someone like me? Slowly becoming an ex-fat girl….blech. Lets not go there. I just have to focus on finding other things to love, instead of a love I suppose.

Running.God I love and hate running. I hate doing it. I hate walking to the gym if I do it there. I hate it during and how sore I am after. But I love what it does for my body. I haven’t been going lately and I feel like all the hard work I did, I just lost it all. I’m really worried about the holidays. I don’t want to gain weight but thats all I do at home. I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to watch it there. Small portions and only 3 meals. No snacks. Oatmeal every morning. That’ll at least start the days off right. At least with the time off after the semester I can work out a lot. Thats the plan at least. Hopefully it’ll actually happen.

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and hated what you see? When I was first loosing weight it felt so good. I’d be happy to see my thinner face smiling back. But I’m not seeing  a difference anymore. And I just feel and look tired. Maybe the semester is creating me down, or I really am struggling with my confidence.

I try to get rid of the illusion that “When I’m thin, I’ll be happy”. I want to be happy now. I can’t live like that. But its so hard to not think that way. I wish…I guess…well…I wish I could feel beautiful. Even if it was just for a little bit. I can honestly say, I have never felt that way. I look back and just remembering how awkward and ugly I felt. I just….I don’t know what to do. This sounds so stupid and pathetic. I’m fine. I’m just getting it out I suppose. How does one teach themselves to feel beautiful? How do you train yourself to love your body and all its flaws?

Don’t know if anyone is reading this. But…if you are, thanks. I think. Even though I don’t know. This at least gives me the illusion I’m not alone.

 

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:192.4lbs

Weight loss so far: 42.6 lbs