Blog Archives

Hey everyone,

I know it has been quite awhile. But here has been really busy. quick highlights:

  • R and I broke up. My world was kinda crushed. I’m struggling but getting better.
  • I’m at a low weight yay! But that was after I increased quite a bit.
  • I’m vitamin D deficient. Like to the max. So thats part of why I had been so sleepy and loosing my hair brittle nails and gaining some weight.
  • I had mono…and didn’t see a doctor till after the fact. “mama didn’t raise any whiners”
  • My floor is amazing I love them as people
  • Thanksgiving break is coming up. yay!
  • School is going okay.
  • Running=I suck

So that was the brief stuff if you wanted. Now here is the actual explanation of everything. I’ve been MIA because school is REALLY getting hard. I don’t know what it is but I’ve been struggling more than ever.

I had been really sick and brushed it off as a cold. Not really having a doctors office open at college student hours here sucked. I finally went after I gained a total of 25lbs in 2 weeks. No joke. It was insane. I wanted to cry when I stepped on the scale. Those numbers made me feel like I had lost a llc control. Even though all I really eat is super healthy things and none of the yummy fatty things. Was truly heart breaking. So I went to the doctors got some blood work. Turns out I had mono and have extreme vit. D deficiency. They said its common, but my levels are so low that I’ll need a doctor prescribed amount.  So I worked really hard and I’m back down to being smaller.

R and I broke up. Well he broke up with me. Its stupid to be so upset. But we were a week away from a year….and I fell apart. I just didn’t care and was sad. I couldn’t do much of anything for a few days. Why must dating be so hard? If there is someone out there for everyone, where is my someone? Why am I alone? =/ Part of me thinks I will be the friend who never gets anyone. I’ll be the one who dies alone. Let be honest, people do all the time. That sounds awful but its true. I feel so lonely and when I think about it, who would want someone like me? Slowly becoming an ex-fat girl….blech. Lets not go there. I just have to focus on finding other things to love, instead of a love I suppose.

Running.God I love and hate running. I hate doing it. I hate walking to the gym if I do it there. I hate it during and how sore I am after. But I love what it does for my body. I haven’t been going lately and I feel like all the hard work I did, I just lost it all. I’m really worried about the holidays. I don’t want to gain weight but thats all I do at home. I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to watch it there. Small portions and only 3 meals. No snacks. Oatmeal every morning. That’ll at least start the days off right. At least with the time off after the semester I can work out a lot. Thats the plan at least. Hopefully it’ll actually happen.

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and hated what you see? When I was first loosing weight it felt so good. I’d be happy to see my thinner face smiling back. But I’m not seeing  a difference anymore. And I just feel and look tired. Maybe the semester is creating me down, or I really am struggling with my confidence.

I try to get rid of the illusion that “When I’m thin, I’ll be happy”. I want to be happy now. I can’t live like that. But its so hard to not think that way. I wish…I guess…well…I wish I could feel beautiful. Even if it was just for a little bit. I can honestly say, I have never felt that way. I look back and just remembering how awkward and ugly I felt. I just….I don’t know what to do. This sounds so stupid and pathetic. I’m fine. I’m just getting it out I suppose. How does one teach themselves to feel beautiful? How do you train yourself to love your body and all its flaws?

Don’t know if anyone is reading this. But…if you are, thanks. I think. Even though I don’t know. This at least gives me the illusion I’m not alone.

 

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:192.4lbs

Weight loss so far: 42.6 lbs

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Post Color Run

OH MY GOSH IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!! Loved every minute of it. This is a place holder until later when I can pick really take the time to write how awesome it was.

Grace and Peace,

-B

Pre 5K color run jitters

Hey guys.

My first ever 5K is tomorrow and it’s the color run. I am SO nervous. I am actually quite terrified. I have no idea how tomorrow is going to go. I am scared, but all my friends are here to support me. I never thought this day would come. I can’t wait! I want to do it, and I don’t all at once…does that even make sense? Here goes nothing in a beautiful sea of color. I can’t wait! Nothing to lose.

Peace, love, and color

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:194.6lbs

Weight loss so far: 40.4lbs

The vow-day 5 Surprising Scale Movement(40lbs later)

So today started out with a surprise! I have been dropping weight rather quickly(Which never happens) and yes I have been eating enough and yes I have been working out and doing this all the healthy way. I measure in the mornings to avoid water weight. But according to the scale in 5 days I have lost about 6 lbs. I’m thinking its a mix of when I was eating “bad” I have been eating the better choices of the bad. Does that even make sense? As well as I dropped to 193 the week before gaining again. So I’m wondering if that has anything to do with it. Like its easier to move weight that didn’t exist before? I don’t know if there is any truth to that. As well as I think I’m going to get my period next week so maybe thats why my weight has been so stubborn and suddenly shifted? Sorry, thats probably TMI but oh well. I’m just hoping it stays off.

However, it puts me at the end of my summer as 40lbs lost. HOLY CRAP! I NEVER ever thought I could do that, ever. Not in my wildest dreams. I’m now out of the obesity BMI standards and 40lbs lighter. yay!!!! I’m so excited. I am like dancing around the room excited. I still have a long way to go, but its still an improvment.

My work out today was a bit hard to start. I started on on a walk run treadmill finishing a mile. Then ab work and then decided I would not accept such a crappy run. So I hopped onto the treadmill again and rock a 2.1 walk run. HECKS YES! Finally something to feel good about. Even though it was somewhat slow, I just am happy everything worked out.

I had oatmeal for early breakfast, then a breakfast sandwich later because I got up way early and was super hungry. Went to class. Had pretzels as a snack. Went to work. Worked out. Staff meeting, and now I am about to go out with my staff for team trivia at a pizza place. I have decided I will indulge just a SMALL amount only.

Thoughts after dinner:

Didn’t do so hot. My boss bought a ton of appetizers for the table and that way no one had to buy. But because of that I just couldn’t say no. I had a potato skin, 4 cheese sticks, chips with salsa and avocado/artichoke dip. Crap crap crap. So glad I did the extra time at the gym. Tomorrow is my day off. So I have to get a few things done, then I just need to go hard at the gym. Laundry. Organize and clean to move.

Hope you’re all doing well.

-B

Day 4

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:194.8lbs

Weight loss so far: 40.2lbs

The vow-day 4

First of all,sorry for the short and somewhat crappy post yesterday. It was safe to say I was EXHAUSTED.

Today however was pretty productive. I worked in the morning and then cleaned most of the day. Ate pretty well. Greek yogurt for breakfast. Rice and chicken for lunch and dinner peanut butter sandwich. Add a hard boiled egg and you have my day.

I went for a small walk/run. Only went a mile. I couldn’t seem to get my balance on the treadmill at all. It really was hard for some reason. Too slow, too quick just all over. I really want one good run ya know? I just have to do it tomorrow. I will ROCK tomorrow’s run and my body has no choice.

Also tomorrow I need to finish packing and cleaning as well as touching base with a few teachers and actually teach in 309 tomorrow. It’ll be a blast.

I’m quite hungry right now and am fighting cravings so I’m drinking water and possibly debating a small snack. TBD later.

Happy weight loss! I know my scale is behaving itself =] I’m past the obesity point as well for a second time.yay!

-B

Day 4

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:196.8lbs

Weight loss so far: 38.2lbs

The vow -day 3

Today got up and got dressed for the gym. But it doesn’t open until later on sundays.Oops. Went to church. Came home made lunch of leftovers! Yummy chinese food. Then lazed around. Just felt so exhausted today. Went for a small crappy run =/ But it’s better than not at all. Made a dinner or chicken and rice (same kind for yesterday). Just about to pass out. Tomorrow is an early run day. I’m debating going twice and cleaning. Possibly weight lift too!

Hope you’re all doing alright.

-B

Day 3

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:197.4lbs

Weight loss so far: 37.6lbs

The Vow- Day 2

Today started rough. I could not for the life of me convince myself to get out of bed until 10. Lazed around and ate breakfast(greek yogurt) until 1130 and then convinced myself to get to the gym.

My run was pretty good for someone who hasn’t had a decent run for a week or so. I did a 5 minute warm up then ran at a 9:22 pace for a solid 12minutes then walked for 5 ran 5 walked 2 ran until I hit the 2.5mile mark. Then walked 1minute and ran the until 3.11miles(5K+). Then did a 5 min cool down…giving me these final results. At all points I was running at least 9:44. I refused to be a 10minute mile girl. Granted with walk averages I may have been more*shrug*

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3.37miles! A safe amount over the 5K just in case the treadmill lies.

Lunch was fetichini Alfredo from a frozen meal and a strawberry smoothie! Who said eating good couldn’t be yummy? 1 up of strawberries and 6ice cubes. Adding some water as needed. Also on my lunch break I hard boiled eggs and set out some chicken to thaw for tomorrow.

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Strawberry smoothie! yum and my best friend the Camelback water bottle.

I worked the desk from 3-9pm. Came home made dinner of turkey buyer and mexican rice. So yummy! Finally getting things done around here and organizing everything thank goodness.

What I’m missing out most on in my diet is “good fats” I eat peanut butter and sometimes almonds for snacks, but otherwise I need to figure out ways to rev the fats up. I would be grateful for your thoughts!

Before bed I tried doing this ab challege:

http://kayciesantics.blogspot.com/2012/03/300-ultimate-ab-and-core-challenge_22.html

Its safe to say I felt the burn but I definitely struggled with more leg pain than abs.

Otherwise day 2 pretty okay overall

-B

Day 2

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:200.2lbs

Weight loss so far: 34.8lbs

Breaking 200lbs!

Just a quick update. A few days ago the scale read the #’s 199.8lbs, but I didn’t want to say anything since I figured it might have been just a random dip. But I went to weigh myself today and I was 198.2! I can officially say I have broke 200lbs! Exciting pictures to be added once I figure out how to get them off my phone. I haven’t been this light since high school! That feels amazing to say. I can’t believe I have gotten this far at all. If I can get this far, I know that over time I can reach my ultimate goal. People are even noticing and asking if I have been loosing weight now. I freaking LOVE that people can physically see the difference. So happy. This is exactly what I needed after my break up with R.

Also, I think I have FINALLY broke my runners slump. I have ran 2 days in a row now and it has ROCKED both times. The first day I had a long distance and 10:31min mile pace over 2.55miles. (Long for me)While today I kept a 9:26pace for 1.2 miles. Yes its short but that was super fast for me. I have only one time (on record) have been faster than that, and it was a freak day. I am so happy! Tonight groceries shopping! Then some TV relax time and a dorm room work out.

I hope you’re all having a great day!

Grace and Peace Friends!

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:198.2lbs

Weight loss so far: 36.8lbs

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TMI

So this post is going to be a little TMI. That means too much information, just to be clear for some of you.  Nothing too graphic, and its not the focus…just..well. If you’re still reading great!

So my running slump has been killing me. Just very disheartening honestly. Since I felt like I was finally making progress. I finally caved after 4 bad runs in a row. I also needed to give my ankle and shin a break. The bruising is coming in quite nicely. I’ll add pictures at the end if any of you care to see the aftermath of being klutzy. But I swam and did abs and arms at the gym this morning. Eating better, since last night was kinda horrible. But I was talking to my roommate. She is a gorgeous in shape exercise science major who has always a runner, so I figure she might have some insight. But apparently the hardest time for a woman to run is the week she is ovulating. Or about the week or 2 before she starts her period(all depends). I did some online reading and a lot of posts actually agree with her. This was really nice to hear since I was just about done with running. So I’m just going to let it be for a bit and work out other ways. Plus my ankle will appreciate it.

On another note, I’ve had a rough patch with my guy and we are working on it, but things have become harder. He is being a bit distant and honestly…this time I didn’t earn it. =( But we are still together working things out. Why are relationships so hard?

Last night I realized though how much I really do emotionally eat. I never really considered myself an emotional eater, more someone who just binges too much and doesn’t know when to quit. In addition to not eating healthy things. But yesterday, after eating out(poorly might I add) I got home and said no more eating tonight. (It was pas 12am anyway)But I found myself binge eating after really bad cravings for salt and chocolate.Yay goldfish crackers and puppy chow.  This craving came almost directly after a really emotional confrontation with my guy. Lately its happened a few times, when something is overwhelming more than anything and I find myself wanting to eat. Not because I’m hungry, I just want to eat a lot. But after I finished I just felt disappointed in myself and sadder. This also could be a combination of PMS, but I just was kind of disgusted with myself this morning. Usually I enjoy weighing myself,ups and downs, but today I avoided it knowing bad numbers would be there and I didn’t want to see it.

On a happier note, these next two nights in a row a few of my friends are coming to visit! I can’t wait ^.^ I’m so blessed with wonderful people in my life. This visiting is just what I need. =] Working all day and then I get to go home soon!

Also I’m prepping to work the summer camp for a week. I’ve attended growing up and now I counsel. Its crazy chaos, but I love it. Can’t wait!

Hope you’re all well and doing better on your diets than I am!

 

-B

Running slump

Just a quick update

Its seems I have hit a running slump. I tried running on a treadmill and got hurt. Ironic that they are “safer”. But out of perseverance the next day I decided to to try it again, and it worked really well. It had been so hot here that I decided to go a few days in a row. I also thought, hey, this way I can keep a consistent pace too. But I tried running outside yesterday and it SUCKED. I only managed to to run for a solid 15minutes before my legs just couldn’t anymore. Even slowly I couldn’t. So I’m starting my running schedule back up and starting more in the middle with 15minutes of running then walk then run 15 more kinda deal. I just NEED to be able to run by august and the 5K I already signed up for. Concerning. Oh well.

Just an update. Thanks for reading.

-B