Blog Archives

Post Thanksgiving Weight-Is this real life?

So, Thanksgiving was basically a bust for me. Diet and exercise both really. Everyday I tried to start with the mentality of, start again….and I would kinda lose it through the day. A bite here, a nibble there. Holidays are hard when grandma is trying to be nice and making your favorite dessert for you. So you end up guilt eating it….but lets be honest, it was delicious all the same. Just a little sad when I really did want to eat clean.

So its safe to say I was nervous to step on the scale this morning to see the damage I’d done, and I saw something absolutely shocking.

191.8lbs. Ummm what?! Thats not real. I hit the scale again… and 191.8lbs blinked back at me. I repeated this several times. Went brushed my teeth tried again to just make sure it wasn’t a blip. This morning I was in fact 191.8lbs. What in the heck?! After my mini splurge the weekend prior I was 194.8lbs. That was a 2 1/2lbs gain. After two days of cleaning eating and exercising I started break and ended that cycle. So with the weekend on Thanksgiving I had 6 days off basically. I didn’t step on a scale, diet, or work out at all during this time, none of it. I had a true break from diet and exercise.

I didn’t just maintain, I actually lost weight. What in the actual hell? This just goes to show you, this weight loss journey is absolute shennangiains. The numbers on the scale is truly misleading sometimes. To those of you who wrote to my prior post, maybe you were right. Maybe my body did just need a break from diet and exercise. Not to say that I’m not right back at it starting this week! Here is to getting back into the groove on healthy living.

I realized something through this though. I noticed that even though I was dreading stepping on the scale, I was okay with it.I was at peace. I’m happy, and I hope you all get to feel this way. No matter where you are.

Happiness-for-health

But its nice to have a weight loss go in my favor for once, when I’m used to the reverse situation.

Have a wonderful week lovelies,

-B

Dear Skinny Girl At The Gym

Dear Skinny Girl At The Gym,

Yes you. The one with the sports bra. You with the super tight legging/yoga pants. You who wears barley anything at the gym. I’m jealous of you.I wish I could feel that confident anywhere, let alone in a public place like the gym. I’m jealous of your body’s ability to move. How easily you glide past the miles. How you make it seem like running is nothing. I’m jealous of the lack of weight you have to push through. I can’t help but think, if you have the added pounds that I do, would you really be so eager to run? Would you really want to go to the gym as much as you do. That few miles I do are freaking hard! At least hard for me. Hell, showing up here with all the beautifully fit bodies to judge me was hard. I’m jealous of how you’re able to come without worrying who is around. Heck, you might even like the attention with your fit bum and tight abs and pretty arms. I long for that feeling. I hate how I feel everyone is watching the fat girl run.

I wish to be you skinny girl. I really do. I’m trying.

-Signed a fat chick at the gym.

A Mothers Approval-An emotional, honest, and raw post

Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval. 

So, currently sitting in Panera writing this getting ready to bunker down and do some homework. Unfortunately  I am sitting at a big table for 4 when it’s busy because there were NO OTHER CHAIRS so I look like a jerk. Dear, Panera goers, I am NOT A JERK. There were just no other tables! I swear.

Anyway. I just felt the need to write this post because of what just took place. My mom said “Good Job” for the amount of weight I’ve lost. This is the first compliment my mothers has given me about my body. This has been the first not backhanded compliment/encouragement she has made since I’ve started this journey. She was dropping me off  at Panera while the oil in my car was being changed. She said she was looking at old pictures of me and my sister, and it was amazing to her, the amount of weight we’ve both lost. “Good Job”. I just nodded back a bit dumb founded and not sure how to react. My mother and my relationship is a bit complicated to say the least.

Some Back Story: She has always been thin and beautiful one.She is my superhero. Not many people can say their mother went back to school while working part time and having 2 children both under the age of 3 with pets. Though I know she loves me, growing up she has been somewhat wrapped up in her own life. I went through a really rough time with both my parents once I got past the age of 13. I have had random moments of depression and a lot of my own issues that they never really knew about. Partially because I didn’t tell them but partially because they didn’t care to know or address it. Its made me and my parents relationship somewhat distant and weird. Since coming to college it has gotten better, but it is far from ideal. Most of that is because I honestly hold back and keep to myself, but if it keeps the house peaceful I’m for it. I wish I could say that me and my mom are best friends like Rory and Lorelei Gilmore, but we aren’t. Its just a fact. I wish I could share things with them, but its just not our relationship.

Back to the present: I’m sitting just confused about what took place. Any time my mother has commented on my body, before or after weight loss it has always been about how I could lose a bit more. Or how I could eat better. Or where I could get connected for help. Or how some article of clothing will look better in a few months. She has always tried to keep improving me. She means well but with my body issues and probably a mix of me being sensitive its taken a toll on me. I’ve never felt that she has been very happy with me. Please do NOT critique my mother, its my own feelings that need to be evaluated here, not her.  I’ve never felt like I could ever just be enough with her. I don’t think she has meant to do this and I know she loves me but its been hard. For a long time now I have been wanting her to make some sort of positive comment. Even more so with my weight loss. Just say one good thing about how I look nice not that I need to keep going. Trust me I KNOW I need to keep going. I’ve just been waiting for what feels like for FOREVER for this one little thing. For her stamp of approval.

Sitting in Panera now I realize I have been subconsciously striving for my mothers approval for what appears to be years. Its so obvious to me now. I’ve ached for it even more since my weight loss started since this past summer.Thinking that once it’s gone I’d finally be enough. Looking back I’m realizing that when that compliment never came this past summer/fall, I finally gave up on ever hearing it. After losing so much weight she still never said it. What else could I do? I came to terms that I needed to accept myself and let that be enough. But as I write this I find myself on the brink of tears. She said it. She finally said it, and I have this raw hallow ache in my chest. Its so hard to explain. I don’t know what to say or how to analyze it. But I knew I needed to write it down, get it out, tell someone. Even if its just a computer screen. Not sure if its a happy or sad feeling, but its a feeling all the same.

Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval. 

Quick weight update.Still going good. Eating healthy. Been sick since spring break started so havent been able to hit the gym the way I wanted. With this cold though, there was no way. Almost to those beautiful 170s!

With peace,

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:182.8lb4

Weight loss so far: 52.2lbs

Meeting a trainer-Self consious

Spring break has given me a chance to focus on me, my diet, and exercise. Its great because during midterms there was no time and it wasn’t even a thought in my mind.

Today I am actually going to meet a trainer to see what we can do about my arms. Super excited but nervous all at the same time. I find myself getting those same feelings I had last summer when I first started working out. You know the feelings. The one saying everyone is judging you and how fat you are. That the trainer is grossed out by you. People at the gym are all staring…ect. I think this thought process is a large part of the cycle for obesity/overweight epidemic in America. Gyms are freaking scary and judgmental places for overweight people. Even if they’re not watching you, and no one probably really cares, it still feels that way. I will admit there are times I just hope I disappear into the corner during my run and no one will notice. Now, I can’t speak for everyone but it seems to be a recurrent theme with people new to exercise or just body conscious.  Anyway. Mini rant over.

I’m going at noon and am excited and trying to keep focused. But it doesn’t help that she described herself as short small blonde with blue eyes. She sounded super sweet on the phone but who wants to work out with Barbie? Seriously. I don’t know. Im just being insecure. I might love her. I need to just relax.

On the upside I’m back where I need to be and then some after my slip up! A full 51lbs off me! Thank goodness. Now to the gym!

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:184.0lb4

Weight loss so far: 51.0lbs

I’m BACKKKKKKKKK!

Hey all,

So I’ve been not writing for a while. I also had stopped loosing weight and working out. I had a rough semester a mix of having severe mono, getting over my ex, finding my place and way around school again. It was just one giant cluster F. I gained and lost and ultimately was able to pretty much maintain in the 195lbs range. But I decided its time to start caring about myself again. Being selfish and taking the time for myself.

I find that for me, setting short term goals and writing them down helps me.

1-Get back into the habit of eating “clean”

2-Exercise 4 days a week and go hard. If I’m not sore, I did it wrong. Possibly go again.

3- Get back to church. Which I’ve started some.

4-Stop procrastinating school!!! I’m the worst at this.

5-Be the best RA possible.

6-Be able to run a 9 minute mile

7-Be able to run a 5k without stopping.-yep, I lost all my hard work this summer. Gah.

But thats about it. 7 goals. I want to keep these for the next 5 weeks. So one week after my personal spring break. Here is to hopping this all works out.Sorry for this being so random if anyone is reading, I just needed this out of my head. Well, I’m off to the gym!

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:190.0lbs

Weight loss so far: 45.0lbs

Foodie Update

So my body has been doing what its supposed to for once. Actually loosing weight in response to my eating. Granted its been quick, but I think a lot was water weight even though I drink a ton. I’ll chalk it up  to bloating.

I’ve been eating better, but I have yet to go work out just yet. So the “challenge” of 10 days haven’t quite started. I am however thursday planning on going to rock climb and learn to belay. yay! I actually did achieve that goal. I went rock climbing for the first time last saturday and had a blast! When I started that was one of my long term goals since I never really had the confidence to do it. So me and my suite mate K and I are planning on going to learn to belay together. Makes it a lot easier.Plus there tends to be some nice man eye candy…yummy arms…wonder why..haha

Also speaking of men. R has been super distant and I’m pretty sure we are coming to a close. It hurts so much, but I’m post poning thinking about it while he is gone. He scheduled a trip to go away for awhile since he was in a car crash awhile ago. He can’t rest at home. Life and all. But hopefully he comes back rested. Even though we are fighting, I still miss him so much.

Currently I am fighting cravings for eating bad things. I am doing homework in the bottom of fuel(an eating place) and wanting Papa Johns pizza SO SO BAD! God it looks amazing, this girl next to me eating it. I have managed to avoid it, and I’m going to, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. I’m going to finish reading this thing for chemistry, go home. Unload my bag and then get food somewhere and go to class. Yay class.

Hopefully going to work out tonight. Had a chem test today. Tomorrow chem quiz. Thursday Physiology quiz, paper and test. Today I MUST BE PRODUCTIVE!

Heres to hoping!

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:195.8lbs

Weight loss so far: 39.2 lbs