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Post Thanksgiving Weight-Is this real life?

So, Thanksgiving was basically a bust for me. Diet and exercise both really. Everyday I tried to start with the mentality of, start again….and I would kinda lose it through the day. A bite here, a nibble there. Holidays are hard when grandma is trying to be nice and making your favorite dessert for you. So you end up guilt eating it….but lets be honest, it was delicious all the same. Just a little sad when I really did want to eat clean.

So its safe to say I was nervous to step on the scale this morning to see the damage I’d done, and I saw something absolutely shocking.

191.8lbs. Ummm what?! Thats not real. I hit the scale again… and 191.8lbs blinked back at me. I repeated this several times. Went brushed my teeth tried again to just make sure it wasn’t a blip. This morning I was in fact 191.8lbs. What in the heck?! After my mini splurge the weekend prior I was 194.8lbs. That was a 2 1/2lbs gain. After two days of cleaning eating and exercising I started break and ended that cycle. So with the weekend on Thanksgiving I had 6 days off basically. I didn’t step on a scale, diet, or work out at all during this time, none of it. I had a true break from diet and exercise.

I didn’t just maintain, I actually lost weight. What in the actual hell? This just goes to show you, this weight loss journey is absolute shennangiains. The numbers on the scale is truly misleading sometimes. To those of you who wrote to my prior post, maybe you were right. Maybe my body did just need a break from diet and exercise. Not to say that I’m not right back at it starting this week! Here is to getting back into the groove on healthy living.

I realized something through this though. I noticed that even though I was dreading stepping on the scale, I was okay with it.I was at peace. I’m happy, and I hope you all get to feel this way. No matter where you are.

Happiness-for-health

But its nice to have a weight loss go in my favor for once, when I’m used to the reverse situation.

Have a wonderful week lovelies,

-B

Wardrobe & Weight Loss: A New Adventure In Sewing

Over Thanksgiving my diet has been wobbly to say the least. I lost the weight from my binge. Gained it. And now loosing it a bit. Lord help my yo-yo diet and weight. But onto the topic of this writing!

I was lucky enough to so something really cool over break, sewing! My grandmother is actually in town for break and we spent some time together doing some sewing. She helped me do some prep, but for the most part with her instruction I did the work. I mended 1 sweater and a skirt. I MADE a brand new  skirt. Hemmed and took in 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of dress pants and a T-shirt. For those of you who don’t sew, that was a solid 4 hours of work. That was with 2 people! I was on a mission!

Quite honestly, when you lose weight, hell when your weight fluctuates drastically up or down, NOTHING fits. I mean absolutely nothing. As awesome as it feels to have clothes be baggy on my new healthier body, having nothing to wear is such a struggle. Waking up in the morning and trying to dress myself in droopy clothes is frustrating. Also, because I know I’m in the middle of my transformation, I don’t wish to go out and spend a ton of money on new clothes that won’t fit in a month or so.

That is why me learning to do even some basic sewing and taking clothes in (yay for shrinking) is a HUGE blessing. I highly encourage those of you out there who are loosing weight to try your hand at it if you can. I mean, if I didn’t adjust a lot of these clothes, I would have thrown them away anyway, so might as well try sewing them. It really isn’t too hard if you go slow and aren’t picky. haha. There are millions of tutorials online if you’re wondering where to start. Long story short, I saved money and expanded my wardrobe by learning (attempting) a new skill. One I hope yo continue and utilize on some of my other pieces of clothing to help save me money as I go.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving,

-B

Sloppy Eating Slip Ups =/ -Brutal Honesty and Reality Checks

Hey all,

This weekend was pretty much one of my first major slip ups in quite awhile. Now I’m one of those people who do incorporate my favorite foods into my diet so I don’t get cravings much. With the exception of the very occasional craving for super horrible food from restaurants. Darn you B dubs with your delicious food! haha. But I know for me, my choice to eliminate fast food and restaurant food all together, as much as possible anyway, is the best choice for me. I don’t know about anyone else, but the less junk I have, the less I seem to crave it.

But back to this weekend. I just lost control starting saturday night. It started slow, a few chips and dip at a friends while watching TV. Despite knowing it would push me over my calorie goal without working out at all that day. * Insert facepalm here* Sunday evening being frustrated with my family and eating dinner with them despite knowing I shouldn’t have eaten much more that day, but I didn’t want to fight them anymore. A hot meal is always tempting. They eat so freaking late at night! I just can’t seem to wait. Then my sister bringing me my absolute favorite peanut butter and banana Coldstone ice cream. She was trying to being nice because she knew I was stressed about my neurobiology test today. In addition to having a freaky allergic reaction that day, I found myself binge eating while studying early into the morning.

And boy am I paying for it. I gained a grand total of 3lbs this weekend in the course of 2 really 1 1/2 days. I was 1lb away from the 180s. God I hate my metabolism sometimes. Because, when looking back, I didn’t portion control much, but I didn’t eat too horrible either. I’m just a little frustrated with myself for letting it happen. As well as knowing that normal people, could probably have eaten what I did, and maintained. =( I know my body isn’t theirs, and I need to accept it for what it is. But sometimes I just wish I could have a maintaining weight potential. I’m always loosing or gaining. Unlike my mother and sister who gorge themselves silly and still are so pretty and thin.

Reality Check Time:

Never, give up. This is a journey. Not a one time shot. There are downs to your ups, and this is mine. So even though I lost control this weekend, its no excuse to continue a downward spiral today. If anything its reason to hit the gym harder. To eat cleaner. So enough of this pity party and lets get back to it.

How I'm feeling right now...

How I’m feeling right now…

Its not perfection, but persistence and consistency that is the key.

Much love to you all. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

-B

365 Day Update #2-Meeting Goals and weight update

Hey all!

Things have been going pretty great with my weight loss and healthy life style so far. Come tomorrow I will officially have been doing this for 2 months! Yay for consistency! I’ve been crazy busy with work, graduate school, and MCAT studying, but I still have managed to find the time to go to the gym. No clue why I had so many excuses in years past when I wasn’t anywhere near as busy. Just a few days ago I finished my first full 30 minute “run” at an 11:19 pace. I know for some of you thats slow, but with my health history and back problems I’m really proud of it. Just gotta keep pushing =] Also this is the first  time I’ve been incorporating rolling hills into my treadmill work outs. Yes it sucks during, but man do I feel strong at the end! I highly recommend it if you haven’t tried it yet. On a completely superficial note, my butt is 100% shaping up. For a girl with no butt, thats exciting! Its the rolling hills or listening to “All about the Base” when I’m running, thats doing the magic. Take your pick.

On top of that my DIET has been pretty great for the most part. Its fall, I’m going to rock apple cider and doughnuts at least once. Healthy lifestyle change isn’t synonymous with deprivation, it means moderation and accounting and adjusting for those treats. I refuse to feel guilty about enjoying my life and food here and there. My hectic schedule has actually helped in the diet department. I don’t eat out (aint nobody got money for that!) so I have packed my food for lunch and dinner the night before. This has allowed me to plan my meals out very carefully. I personally use my fitnesspal and love it. I MEAN LOVE IT! I suggest you try it out if you’re wanting to get started on meal planning and not sure what a healthy limit is. Its what I used the first time I lost weight as well. I love that you can look at your macro and micronutrients to help round out your diet. Eating clean is 80% of the battle so it helps to have some guidance.

Finally, about my goals. A day earlier than I said, I am under 200lbs! As of this morning I am 199.5lbs. It feels so darn good to finally be out of the over 200lb range. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do, but it feels so good to be getting back into shape. To see the numbers change feels really good, even though I have to remind myself that it won’t always be this way and its not all about the numbers, it still is exciting! In 2 months I have lost a grand total of 25.5 pounds and 35.5lbs from my peak. I’m so happy to say I think I’m finally back to my healthy ways. Hopefully for good this time.
Hope you all have a restful weekend and a great week!

Much love everyone!

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:199.5lbs

Weight loss so far: 35.5lbs

Self Worth

I find myself on yet another upswing on my weight. I can’t seem to get it straightened out permanently. But something I am coming to realize is that a lot of this has to do with my own self worth.

As with a lot of things in life that deal with our appearance, the way we dress, the make up we put on, how we do our hair, and yes our fitness has to do with self worth. Is going out of your way, or those extra 5 minutes of waking up early to get ready, are they worth it to you? It boils down to are you worth enough to yourself to put the effort into taking care of you.

Unfortunately what has brought me to this realization is my own lack of self worth. As I sit here in the library and reel at the thought that I am admitting this to the blank face of the internet is scary, just ask yourself this simple question. How much do you care about yourself?

Over the past semester I’ve let my self worth slip in multiple situations. As I sit here, I feel the need to write them and hopefully purge them. Skip to the next paragraph if you don’t care to read into specifics.

1-I started dating someone who did not treat me the way I deserved. I find it almost hard to admit that. That I have a standard and that I deserve better. I let him get by with treating me pretty awfully and allowing him to make me feel small and weak. Even through this break up (hasn’t even been a week) I’m struggling, but I’m getting there.

2-All I’ve really done this semester has been study and that fact has probably been part of my struggle. Truth be told, we all deserve a little fun and a break. I should have made more time for people. Doing this caused me to be exhausted and overcome with spurts of depression where on my one day off all I did was hide in my room. Simply waiting for my guy to call, which he never did. Cool right? Unfortunately, I am unable to say that my studying really even paid off.

3-I’ve let my weight go. I didn’t decide hey, I’m worth the extra work. Now I didn’t mentally say, hey lets give up. It was just the ever waning promise of, “I’ll get to it tomorrow”. Which is my own fault, but on some level  I truly let some of that depression take control. That depression that started from my lack of putting effort into myself.

4- I haven’t put as much effort into dressing myself or getting up early to take care of my overall look. Fact is, if you put effort into your look you WILL feel at least a little bit better. It will help you get out of bed. It will help you get up a bit earlier and take better care of yourself. Its a boost of confidence and we all need it.

Fact is, as hard as it is to admit sometimes, all these things I’ve talked about, everyone is worth it. No matter who you are, this is something that matters. Like I said a bit earlier, it affects your confidence and has a very real role in your everyday lives. So those 30 extra minutes to put yourself together is definitely worth it. You dear reader, are worth it.

No matter where you are in life. At the end of a break up. After a bad round of finals. After the loss of a job. Whatever the situation. You are worth it. So lets do this together, lets work on ourselves together. Lets put effort into ourselves, because were worth it.

Love you all

-B

Binge Round 1 on the restart

Just had my first binge since the start of my weight loss. Woke up and feeling starved. Went downstairs thinking I’ll just have a small snack. Next thing I know I’ve downed a ton of food and killed a huge chunk of calories for the coming day, 1008 to be exact. Thats humiliating to even write. Its been about 10 minutes and I feel AWFUL. Like I want to puke my stomach hurts so bad. This is the worst part to binges. I just want to feel better but I just make myself sick and feel so guilty. On the upside I WAS 105.8lbs this morning but I’m sure thats about to change…..ugh. I hate this about myself. 

Just needed to write and not focus on how gross I feel.

 

-B

Closet Cleaning & Weight Update

In addition to healthy eating I believe it’s important to keep your living space healthy as well. I’m not talking about cleanliness, though it is supposedly next to godliness. I’m talking about clutter. The clutter I accumulate oh so easily with my sentimental/hoarder ways. The biggest problem for me is clothes. Especially with how drastically my weight fluctuation is, its hard to let go of clothes. Even though I may not have worn it in ages, despite weight gain or loss, the voice in the back of my head says, “What if you NEED it later?” So I’ve been planning what I’ve labeled as, “The Purge”. I went through my whole closet tried EVERYTHING on and downsized. If I hesitated, I kept the mantra of there is something better that I’d rather wear. GET RID OF IT! I also had to rule of, if it went into the trash bag, it was NOT allowed to come out. I then reorganized my closet and took the bag to the mission. I believe it is more important to try to donate to homeless shelters than places like Goodwill when possible. Not to knock them, since I shop there all the time, just personal views. Honestly, it feels great! I feel like I’ve eliminated a ton of junk. This is also going to help a ton with  summer coming to an end and yet another move coming my way.No point in moving and carrying things around I won’t wear or want to keep. Next on the list is the jewelry and bathroom purge. But those are way less time consuming that the closet. So yay!

Diet has been going okay. I’ve had a hard time starting back up with mini binges but I think I’ve finally gotten it under control. I realize for me the tradition has to be a bit slower to avoid feeling like I’m starving right off the bat. I found this is easiest for me since its a drastic adjustment because my struggle is portions, and I’m used to just filling myself. Instead of cutting off right away slowly doing it helps me stay on track. I’m proud to say I am down to 209.6 lbs! Which means I get my first “reward” off my list. Pedicure time with mom! =] Super excited and happy to be losing weight once again.

Have a great week everyone!

B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:209.6lb4

Weight loss so far: 25.4lbs

Numbers and such

I figured I should write out how I’m restarting. Last week I was around 215-218lbs but this morning I found myself at 212.6 lbs. Yay, better than where I was.Today I’m starting over eating healthier. Also, my sister and I plan on going for a walk or a mini bike ride. Its not going to be very intense but better than nothing right? I’m getting my life together and things organized which is exciting. Its about to be a great year =] Another up, I probably will be seeing M in 2 days. So excited ^.^

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:212.6 lb4

Weight loss so far: 22.4lbs

The Turn Around…Brutal honesty and a few explainations

So…

SUMMER: Recap and an explanation about what happened in the last post.

I’ve been away and my last post was extremely low. I suppose low is a good way to describe how my summer has been going. I started out with injuring a disk in my back causing significant nerve damage. This damaged manifested in losing a large chunk of muscle control in my lower back, thigh, calf and toe. Which basically pulled me away from working out and running. I was basically unable to get around, bend over, and deal with everyday chores. This did spark a lot of anxiety in me and depression which is something I struggle with. 

Add that into coming home to  a very negative household caused a lot of stress. And Basically I hit a depressed downward spiral and gave up. I just gained the majority of my weight I worked so hard to eliminate and have mixed feelings on it.

I went through physical therapy(PT) and got to a point that I was able to actually counsel the summer camp I traditionally counsel. Still going through PT and working to gain my strength back. Another thing directly after that was my family went to summerfest in WI which was a lot of fun. Camping and such. An 11 day festival with 9 venues and amazing artists was a blast but exhausting. I had two days and now I find myself here back in GR visiting a good friend. Convicted to write about…well everything.

Love Life: FLASHBACK. Back in December I started talking to this guy I went to high school with. Lets call him M. Just talking on the phone and getting to know each other more. Some shameless flirting later, I found myself with a giant crush. Despite everything in my past with R and falling so hard and being so hurt by him, I was absolutely shocked that I gained the crush for M so easily. He made it easy. He’s the sweetest guy and I can talk to him about anything. And not to say that I love him just yet, but he’s helped me believe that I could potentially love someone again. If not more so than I ever did R. Which is pretty great. We officially started dating March 31 (Easter) hah. So at the end of July almost 4 months for me and him. He’s wonderfully handsome and right now, he fits me perfectly. Yes there are some flaws we are working through them as a couple. I like him tons and tons.

Coming into the new school year I am setting goals before graduation.

1- Find good friends.

2-Get connected to the church more. Get connected to God more.

3-Finish my personal statement.Shadow more MDs

4- 4.0 a semester and up my GPA

5-Volunteer over 200 hours.

6-Take the MCAT

7-Lose 60lbs in 8months. I believe that is doable. Hard, but doable.Meaning working out constantly and a healthy diet.

8-Grow my relationship with M

9-Get better at my guitar/uke.

10-Love myself. I need it.

I WILL do these. Even if it kills me. I want this for myself more than anything. So there we go. These should all help me achieve what I want for getting into Med School and achieving what I want out of life. Someone made the comment about how society these days is about getting by, and we really should be loving where we are at. I want to love my life. These are the steps I am taking to do so.

With peace,

-B

Updates

Okay. I’ve been absent but life had gone nuts for quite a bit and with it went my weight.

EFF. Here we go again.

School/End Of Year

Through finals I was on the edge fighting for a lot of my grades. I had pretty much given up hope on organic but wasn’t going down without a fight. I kind of assumed I was going to have to retake it getting a possible C which does not help with my MD dreams. Somehow I kicked butt on the final and ended up with a B. A freaking B! Holy shit! I was praying for a B- but hot damn I did it. Got A in psychopathology and my research 499 and an A- in my cadaver dissection. A graduate course, which I am quite pleased with. Deans list baby! Med school here I come…I hope.

Life

I’m now home. The semester finished up I cleaned up and completed my RA duties. Won RA program of the year. Very proud of that. Said goodbye to my staff and am finally home. Love and hate being home all at once. My Mom drives me a little crazy and I’ve only been home for 5 days. I don’t have room for any of my clothes or things which is frustrating. But it’ll work out, I think. Still looking for a job. Set up a lot of shadowing opportunities this summer. 1 pediatrician 1 OBGYN and 1 hospitals and hopefully a podiatrist. Gotta get the experience in! I also want to get more involved in my home church and volunteer some more. Can’t wait!

Health

Here is my embarrassment. Through the past month/4 weeks I have gained roughly 15lbs. I know its horribly disgusting. Just grades had to come first. I didn’t have time to walk across the 1/2 mile campus there and back to go eat the salads. =/ It’s not that I’ve eaten all that bad, in addition I just haven’t had time to work out. Thats the frustrating part with my body. I feel like I gain weight so much easier than everyone else. Its not massive portions and its not extremely unhealthy. Its just not salads every day. Which is sort of disheartening. Its like, to be anywhere near normal do I have to really eat salads everyday for my body? I’m limiting calorie intake to 1300calories and still watching it…but I guess I wish I could maintain with that. I need to get over my pity party. Time to suck it up and eat rabbit food and exercise once again. Its my own fault my body is like this so here I am taking responsibility.

Love

ummm…so I’m dating someone? He is exactly everything I would never imagine dating but I like him. He’s got some bad habits (smoking ew) but I like him all the same. Met in h.s and just reconnected. I’ll keep you all posted.

Time to be religious about blogging and being accountable for my weight. Here we go summer!

-B