Its been a little while since I’ve posted consistently. Since last summer’s back injury mixed with what my doctor now expects to be endometriosis my health has been an uphill a battle. Not just weight loss, but attempting day to day function.
Weight loss has been about the furthest thing from my mind. I’m just sick of being in pain all the time. Most days I’m exhausted and just getting up and taking care of myself is hard. Things have gotten worse and my back may now actually be linked to my suspected endometriosis. Now its extremely rare for this to be true, but my doc has a hunch based off of when my back problems flare up.
Currently I am deciding which treatment routes I want to take. Exploratory surgery or crazy hormone therapy. Not sure which is the worst of two evils. Personally, I am scared of both, but I’m to the point that I’m more afraid of not living my life.
Honestly. Lately, for the last year I haven’t been able to live my life. This chronic pain has controlled me from the beginning. I’m sick of feeling like a flake and canceling on friends because of last-minute pain or sickness. I’m tired of lying to my guy friends about whats wrong with me. Annoyed with it wrecking my grades and forcing me to tell my teachers about it. Moving test dates or outright getting zeros. I’m done with this.
Pain that last more than a week at a time is mind numbing. It used to be just one week a month which was exhausting, yet, manageable. Now it is something that has expanded to the week before and week after. That means I get 1 good week a month. Only 1. I get to live 12 weeks out of 56 a year. I’d rather die.
I live in fear of flare ups. I worry about having to make a quick exit. I can’t be as spontaneous or do random things with my friends. I have to always make sure a bathroom or trashcan is near in case I get sick. Forget about long road trips or beaches or camping really. All 3 things, I used to adore. Its controlling me. Its controlling the people I love.
Its taken a toll on my whole family, my roommate, friends. The ones who know, worry. To them, it’s not normal to see someone so sick or in pain all the time. I hate making them worry. I really really hate it. Part of why I try to hide it so much. Its a fine balance as far as talking about it goes. Isolation can make it harder, but explaining can be worse and make a relationship weird. So I chose silence. Much to my dismay, there have been a lot of times where I can’t hide it. I try explaining that this is my normal. This is the hand I was dealt and I just have to deal. I get sick and I hurt really bad. Thats that. Nothing anyone can really do. No doctor has ever been able to really help me. So what now?
Iburophen, vicoden, flexerol, various muscle relaxers, narco…you name it, I’ve tried it and none of these medications do anything for the pain. So I just don’t take them. I’m scared of taking them anyway, feels like I’m poisoning my body. I literally just have to deal with it. Well I’m done dealing with it.
What do you do when you’re trapped in your own body? When you’re so tired and you’ve given up on being normal?
I want my body and my life back.