Giving up. Living home for the summer is Hell.
Warning: This is an all over emotional rant. But its where I am at. My apologies if its a bit jumpy in the logic.
So, currently sitting in my room trying to remember when I decided to come home for summer. Also wondering WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME?! and I want to hit past me in the face. Financially I couldn’t afford to stay and school.Thats a fact. Factoid #2 is I don’t have a job here unlike back at school where I had 2. Eff. So I am actually stuck around the house. Fact #3 I HATE living with my family. My mother drives me crazy, my father is critical and I hate being around them. Fact #4 being around them constantly causes fights and ups my anxiety. Which indirectly affects my binge eating my stress levels and so on. Which leads me to my biggest fear.Gaining weight and being unhealthy. Oh wait thats my current reality and throw in lower self esteem thanks to my mother.
Living here, at home, with them makes me completely and utterly unhealthy. 100%. I’m beginning to realize a large portion of my unhealthy lifestyle and weight issues are thanks to my family. This realization, quite frankly, is pissing me off. Like what the hell? How was I ever supposed to do well with this atmosphere? Both my siblings have weight issues. I’ve tried time and time again to convince them to get the crap out of the house but they just won’t. They hold onto it and its slowly killing me. Literally. Obesity is one of the most avoidable causes of death and disease.
My father currently is recovering from a 2nd knee surgery which is partially from working hard labor but mostly being overweight. Though he won’t admit it. I just get angry looking at them. Like you did this to yourself and inadvertently, that will be me. I will be the one getting surgery because I can’t take the time to eat better.
I don’t have any clue what to do. I wish my mother realized I truly do have a binge eating problem. I have the hardest time resisting to indulge with it there ALL the time. Instead of indulging my father in what he wants she needs to stop it. Stop buying him oreos and apple pie and ice cream. Like effing christ. My eating habits are from them. This is WHY I had to work so hard. This is what I’m constantly fighting my weight and my cravings. Its why I didn’t have a clue what healthy eating was to begin with.
I just want to be normal. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to feel like I have to skip or eat a special separate dinner to eat with them. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I feel so defeated. My weight has jumped insane amounts. I am past where I said I would never return. I just want to leave so bad, but I can’t. =/
Someone have any clue where to go from here? I feel so defeated. Guess I’ll always looks this way. I give.