Monthly Archives: May 2013

Giving up. Living home for the summer is Hell.

Warning: This is an all over emotional rant. But its where I am at. My apologies if its a bit jumpy in the logic.

So, currently sitting in my room trying to remember when I decided to come home for summer. Also wondering WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME?! and I want to hit past me in the face. Financially I couldn’t afford to stay and school.Thats a fact. Factoid #2 is I don’t have a job here unlike back at school where I had 2. Eff. So I am actually stuck around the house. Fact #3 I HATE living with my family. My mother drives me crazy, my father is critical and I hate being around them. Fact #4 being around them constantly causes fights and ups my anxiety. Which indirectly affects my binge eating my stress levels and so on. Which leads me to my biggest fear.Gaining weight and being unhealthy. Oh wait thats my current reality and throw in lower self esteem thanks to my mother. 

Living here, at home, with them makes me completely and utterly unhealthy. 100%. I’m beginning to realize a large portion of my unhealthy lifestyle and weight issues are thanks to my family. This realization, quite frankly, is pissing me off. Like what the hell? How was I ever supposed to do well with this atmosphere? Both my siblings have weight issues. I’ve tried time and time again to convince them to get the crap out of the house but they just won’t. They hold onto it and its slowly killing me. Literally. Obesity is one of the most avoidable causes of death and disease.

My father currently is recovering from a 2nd knee surgery which is partially from working hard labor but mostly being overweight. Though he won’t admit it. I just get angry looking at them. Like you did this to yourself and inadvertently, that will be me. I will be the one getting surgery because I can’t take the time to eat better.

I don’t have any clue what to do. I wish my mother realized I truly do have a binge eating problem. I have the hardest time resisting to indulge with it there ALL the time. Instead of indulging my father in what he wants she needs to stop it. Stop buying him oreos and apple pie and ice cream. Like effing christ. My eating habits are from them. This is WHY I had to work so hard. This is what I’m constantly fighting my weight and my cravings. Its why I didn’t have a clue what healthy eating was to begin with.

I just want to be normal. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to feel like I have to skip or eat a special separate dinner to eat with them. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

I feel so defeated. My weight has jumped insane amounts. I am past where I said I would never return. I just want to leave so bad, but I can’t. =/ 

Someone have any clue where to go from here? I feel so defeated. Guess I’ll always looks this way. I give. 

-B

 

Updates

Okay. I’ve been absent but life had gone nuts for quite a bit and with it went my weight.

EFF. Here we go again.

School/End Of Year

Through finals I was on the edge fighting for a lot of my grades. I had pretty much given up hope on organic but wasn’t going down without a fight. I kind of assumed I was going to have to retake it getting a possible C which does not help with my MD dreams. Somehow I kicked butt on the final and ended up with a B. A freaking B! Holy shit! I was praying for a B- but hot damn I did it. Got A in psychopathology and my research 499 and an A- in my cadaver dissection. A graduate course, which I am quite pleased with. Deans list baby! Med school here I come…I hope.

Life

I’m now home. The semester finished up I cleaned up and completed my RA duties. Won RA program of the year. Very proud of that. Said goodbye to my staff and am finally home. Love and hate being home all at once. My Mom drives me a little crazy and I’ve only been home for 5 days. I don’t have room for any of my clothes or things which is frustrating. But it’ll work out, I think. Still looking for a job. Set up a lot of shadowing opportunities this summer. 1 pediatrician 1 OBGYN and 1 hospitals and hopefully a podiatrist. Gotta get the experience in! I also want to get more involved in my home church and volunteer some more. Can’t wait!

Health

Here is my embarrassment. Through the past month/4 weeks I have gained roughly 15lbs. I know its horribly disgusting. Just grades had to come first. I didn’t have time to walk across the 1/2 mile campus there and back to go eat the salads. =/ It’s not that I’ve eaten all that bad, in addition I just haven’t had time to work out. Thats the frustrating part with my body. I feel like I gain weight so much easier than everyone else. Its not massive portions and its not extremely unhealthy. Its just not salads every day. Which is sort of disheartening. Its like, to be anywhere near normal do I have to really eat salads everyday for my body? I’m limiting calorie intake to 1300calories and still watching it…but I guess I wish I could maintain with that. I need to get over my pity party. Time to suck it up and eat rabbit food and exercise once again. Its my own fault my body is like this so here I am taking responsibility.

Love

ummm…so I’m dating someone? He is exactly everything I would never imagine dating but I like him. He’s got some bad habits (smoking ew) but I like him all the same. Met in h.s and just reconnected. I’ll keep you all posted.

Time to be religious about blogging and being accountable for my weight. Here we go summer!

-B