A Mothers Approval-An emotional, honest, and raw post
Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval.
So, currently sitting in Panera writing this getting ready to bunker down and do some homework. Unfortunately I am sitting at a big table for 4 when it’s busy because there were NO OTHER CHAIRS so I look like a jerk. Dear, Panera goers, I am NOT A JERK. There were just no other tables! I swear.
Anyway. I just felt the need to write this post because of what just took place. My mom said “Good Job” for the amount of weight I’ve lost. This is the first compliment my mothers has given me about my body. This has been the first not backhanded compliment/encouragement she has made since I’ve started this journey. She was dropping me off at Panera while the oil in my car was being changed. She said she was looking at old pictures of me and my sister, and it was amazing to her, the amount of weight we’ve both lost. “Good Job”. I just nodded back a bit dumb founded and not sure how to react. My mother and my relationship is a bit complicated to say the least.
Some Back Story: She has always been thin and beautiful one.She is my superhero. Not many people can say their mother went back to school while working part time and having 2 children both under the age of 3 with pets. Though I know she loves me, growing up she has been somewhat wrapped up in her own life. I went through a really rough time with both my parents once I got past the age of 13. I have had random moments of depression and a lot of my own issues that they never really knew about. Partially because I didn’t tell them but partially because they didn’t care to know or address it. Its made me and my parents relationship somewhat distant and weird. Since coming to college it has gotten better, but it is far from ideal. Most of that is because I honestly hold back and keep to myself, but if it keeps the house peaceful I’m for it. I wish I could say that me and my mom are best friends like Rory and Lorelei Gilmore, but we aren’t. Its just a fact. I wish I could share things with them, but its just not our relationship.
Back to the present: I’m sitting just confused about what took place. Any time my mother has commented on my body, before or after weight loss it has always been about how I could lose a bit more. Or how I could eat better. Or where I could get connected for help. Or how some article of clothing will look better in a few months. She has always tried to keep improving me. She means well but with my body issues and probably a mix of me being sensitive its taken a toll on me. I’ve never felt that she has been very happy with me. Please do NOT critique my mother, its my own feelings that need to be evaluated here, not her. I’ve never felt like I could ever just be enough with her. I don’t think she has meant to do this and I know she loves me but its been hard. For a long time now I have been wanting her to make some sort of positive comment. Even more so with my weight loss. Just say one good thing about how I look nice not that I need to keep going. Trust me I KNOW I need to keep going. I’ve just been waiting for what feels like for FOREVER for this one little thing. For her stamp of approval.
Sitting in Panera now I realize I have been subconsciously striving for my mothers approval for what appears to be years. Its so obvious to me now. I’ve ached for it even more since my weight loss started since this past summer.Thinking that once it’s gone I’d finally be enough. Looking back I’m realizing that when that compliment never came this past summer/fall, I finally gave up on ever hearing it. After losing so much weight she still never said it. What else could I do? I came to terms that I needed to accept myself and let that be enough. But as I write this I find myself on the brink of tears. She said it. She finally said it, and I have this raw hallow ache in my chest. Its so hard to explain. I don’t know what to say or how to analyze it. But I knew I needed to write it down, get it out, tell someone. Even if its just a computer screen. Not sure if its a happy or sad feeling, but its a feeling all the same.
Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval.
Quick weight update.Still going good. Eating healthy. Been sick since spring break started so havent been able to hit the gym the way I wanted. With this cold though, there was no way. Almost to those beautiful 170s!
Peak Weight: 235lbs
Start Weight: 225lbs
Weight loss so far: 52.2lbs
Posted on March 10, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged approval, body image, comment, compliment, emotion, evaluation, exercise, fitness, gym, health, healthy-living, honest, mom, mother, reality, sad, sick, weigh-in, weight loss, weight update, work out, Working out. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.