Monthly Archives: May 2012



running was nothing today! I accidentally skipped ahead on my running days to day 1 week5…then went back and did day3 of week 4. Also very easy. Decided heck…finally for the first time ever, lets go to the gym and time my mile. Face my fears of working out in front of others. I’m running faster than I thought! My time was 9:49:5! Its not fast, but it sure as heck isn’t too slow. I’m very pleased with myself. I managed to do this only 2 weeks after running. I also did this before my 21st birthday. Take that Ms. Lipsey stupid middle school gym teacher. =] Encouragement is always the best PE teachers!

Anyway, I ran 3 times and didn’t have to binge. Thank god. Things are getting a little easier. Working out and eating healthy is a LOT easier than at home. Camper didn’t kill me too much. Today I officially weigh 215lbs.yay! 20lbs gone =]

In other news: work is a bitch these days. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice. Since I accidentally missed flex hours and I had to write a stupid warning slip. Whatever. On the upside I’m on duty tonight and I’m working.3 check ins. Also opening tomorrow at 7am.GUH. SUCKY!

Planning my 21st but not sure what exactly to do for it. Not being able to drink and all.

I’m about to try to start strength training. Any ideas on how to start?

Otherwise have a  great week everyone!



Resistance and Persistence

Hello world!

So last night totally didn’t binge! I didn’t eat a single thing! Whoorah for being good. Today, however, is turning out to be a bit of a roller coaster. This morning I ate good but caved on the free ice cream.

Yet, today was and up when I went shopping. An up, clothes shopping?! That never happens for me. But it was. Jeans shopping specifically. As normal I went for big sizes not caring and just needing something to wear that fits. I hate getting help from workers. I get anxious and shy about my body. But today was a whole different story.

I walk into Levi’s jeans in the outlets in IN and expect to just grab something try on a bunch until I found a fit that was okay and bought it and left. I was first approached by Luke, who honestly, I was very closed off and not mean but not pleasant to him either. I didn’t the “We are just browsing” please go away thing. To his credit he was EXTREMELY pleasant the whole time. I think he realized it was just me not being comfortables I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s felt that way in a jeans store before. Another woman approached and I gave her the “we are just browsing polite thank you” but I’m sure it seemed kind of fake. My patience was already wearing thin thanks to my mother talking to her even though I blatantly did NOT want to talk to her. Her name, I learned later was Devin. She handled this situation beautifully and knowing my mother was frustrating me just explained the styles so she could leave and I could find things easier. After getting through a try on round, Luke still then approached me even after I felt awful bout my behavior.(It probably wasn’t that bad, but I prove myself on being VERY polite and thankful to customer service industry-having worked it myself) He continued to be very kind and offer many different options and solutions to what “wasn’t working” I found 2 pair that fit alright and a bonus Luke found us clearance pair! My wallet is grateful. But after that we had a better idea what I need. But I really needed a short size. Not really my legs, but the pockets. I don’t have a butt to be honest and pockets always sit super low on me. Frustrating. I was ready to be done by that point. I fit into a size 11,12,13,14,and 15. People wonder why girls get so frustrated by pants size. The “juniors”(odd sizes) fit better because It is tight around my legs and knees which I need. But I like flare to help balance out the look of my boobs. But anyway. We were kind of overwhelmed with finally deciding on that I wouldn’t be able to get a short.I just  needed a pair for awhile to hold up.

Then Devin came to the rescue.(My pants superhero!) She offered me a style that was shorter, but I needed to go a size smaller. Tried on a 12….that was too big. Tried an 11….still too big. Tried on a 10 short slight curve which runs smaller. I just laughed when she said try a 10 when pulling them off the racks. Thinking, lady I just tried on a 15 that fit a bit, I don’t think I could squeeze my thigh into a 10. I tried it on and it was perfect. It fit my legs, gave me a butt, and it was a 10!!! In a style that ran small. OMG! A 10! I haven’t worn a 10 since middle school.

Now for the downside afterwards. I went for a run today and couldn’t run for a straight 6 minutes. I was dying! I ran 8 in a row easier after running 2 times yesterday. I didn’t get why it was so hard. I decided to quit eat dinner and then try again afterwards with inserts in my new shoes. Hopefully it will work better and I can do the run later. For now I’m going to rest and digest. Read my book. Seriously I’m kidding by ellen Degeneres (SO FUNNY!)

With peace,


cravings….yet again

Craving things really bad right now. Just wanting to binge. All the yummy camper food. I’m trying to remind myself all the yummy camper food has ALL the calories. Ugh. But it sounds to good. I realize if I didn’t have that stupid brownie today I could have actually eaten real food and been full right now. 

Going to bed grumpy, hungry, and pouting.

Its a wonder why there aren’t more crimes around people who are dieting. Dumb.

Getting Better=]

So running is getting easier. Thank god. I’ve been DYINGGGGGG. But I’m eating a little better. Before I know it, I will be running a 5k! Can’t wait =]

This birthday celebration this weekend is a little nerve racking. Though its a week early, it is the lake with bad lake food. I requested angel food cake for my birthday so its not as bad and turkey burgers turkey hot dogs veggies and several other things that will hopefully set me up for better moments.

In other news. Me and a special guy have been doing well. His mother is in town so that will be keeping him busy. But we are good. Much love.

About to go pack.



Today didn’t start off so hot. I’m having a really hard time from binge eating at night. But this morning started with me ignoring several alarms and managed to wake up 2 minutes before my 7 hour shift. So I ran grabbed the cheese it box and got to work ASAP. On time =] but left with no water and only the massive horrible for you to eat cheese its.So good, but I felt guilty all day with nothing to do about it but kinda starve myself. I got home had some greek yogurt (110 calories!) and banana (roughly 110) If I didn’t have those darn cheese its I’d be in real good shape for dinner. But now I hate missing breakfast. I have to go for a run. I need to do this before I loose the gusto.

Here is to hoping


New day 3/21/12

Today is a new day, even thought I binged last night. I managed to limit it to two peanut butter cracker packets (8 crackers sandwiches) and tortilla and salsa chips. Ugh. But anyway. Today is a new day! Ate toast and an egg for breakfast. Had a fiber peanut butter bar for a snack. Going for a run in a bit. Signed up for color run yesterday so I officially need to get my act together on the 5K. I WILL finish it, if it kills me.


I caved =(  This sucks. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

A Gracious Guide to Benevolent Blogging — Five Tips

A Gracious Guide to Benevolent Blogging — Five Tips.

All Credit to Banter Brigitte



As of now I am fighting a huge urge to take food into my room and gorge myself on it. I can’t explain why I want it so bad or why I can’t get this out of my head. I just keep craving and craving. Its driving me nuts. I’m trying to distract myself. Facebook. Pintrest. Netflix. Book. 3 different e-mail accounts.Sending things for work. I just wish I could stop thinking about how good it would feel to eat it. My body must hate me. I’m actually under calorie goal today and I want to keep it that way. But I can’t stop thinking about it…I wish food would get out of my head =( 

Beginnings 5/20/12


I don’t know where to begin. But I guess I’ll explain why I am starting this again…

I am currently by BMI standards obese. I have actually been working a little bit and have maintained around a 220lbs average to 225lb last year. At my heaviest around Christmas this past year I was 235lb. Ugh. Kill me now.

I am realizing, I have a food addiction. Its really hard to explain and I stress eat but other times I just can’t stop. I feel really ashamed of eating in front of people, often getting food and brining it into my room so no one can see me. I plan times to eat alone, which is where I’m starting to notice I have a problem. I plan and lust to eat and eat way past feeling “full”. I don’t dare say I’m hungry in front of anyone, no one wants to hear that from the fat girl. Blechy. I can’t wait to just start feeling better about this, so I could finally say ” I love ice cream” without fear of judgment from others. Okay. Refocusing, I am attempting confidence here.

So I’m trying to get fit.

To do this I’m implementing a few different things. I’m starting to run, holy crap I can’t believe I am doing it. I’m trying this, coach to 5K and my fitness pal to help me out with all this. I am also going to try to eat all my meals sitting down in the living room with my roommates around. That way I will be less likely to gorge myself out of embarrassment. Who says shame can’t be a constructive thing? I know I am going to try to only weight myself once a week and stop obsessing over it. Sunday nights it is.

I’m also trying to a 5K called the color run coming up in the Michigan area in august. I really want to do this and hopefully the financial investment will help keep me motivated. I also want to try rock climbing really bad. It looks so fun, but I never wanted to go out of fear of not being able to do it and people making fun of the fat girl. Possibly needing several people to help belay me…guh. That would be a nightmare.

I do have some fears in all this…what about the loose skin afterwards? *shudder* Lord help me. I just need some confidence.

So far for breakfast I had oatmeal and a banana. Lunch will happen after church but haven’t really decided what and will need some dinner too. Working 430-630. Possibly staff volleyball the run #2 possibly at the gym. wtf mate?! Public exercise who knew.

I’m turning 21 june 2nd and I hope to be at least a pound or two lighter.

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight: 218.6lbs

Weight lost so far: 16.4lbs