Giving up. Living home for the summer is Hell.

Warning: This is an all over emotional rant. But its where I am at. My apologies if its a bit jumpy in the logic.

So, currently sitting in my room trying to remember when I decided to come home for summer. Also wondering WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME?! and I want to hit past me in the face. Financially I couldn’t afford to stay and school.Thats a fact. Factoid #2 is I don’t have a job here unlike back at school where I had 2. Eff. So I am actually stuck around the house. Fact #3 I HATE living with my family. My mother drives me crazy, my father is critical and I hate being around them. Fact #4 being around them constantly causes fights and ups my anxiety. Which indirectly affects my binge eating my stress levels and so on. Which leads me to my biggest fear.Gaining weight and being unhealthy. Oh wait thats my current reality and throw in lower self esteem thanks to my mother. 

Living here, at home, with them makes me completely and utterly unhealthy. 100%. I’m beginning to realize a large portion of my unhealthy lifestyle and weight issues are thanks to my family. This realization, quite frankly, is pissing me off. Like what the hell? How was I ever supposed to do well with this atmosphere? Both my siblings have weight issues. I’ve tried time and time again to convince them to get the crap out of the house but they just won’t. They hold onto it and its slowly killing me. Literally. Obesity is one of the most avoidable causes of death and disease.

My father currently is recovering from a 2nd knee surgery which is partially from working hard labor but mostly being overweight. Though he won’t admit it. I just get angry looking at them. Like you did this to yourself and inadvertently, that will be me. I will be the one getting surgery because I can’t take the time to eat better.

I don’t have any clue what to do. I wish my mother realized I truly do have a binge eating problem. I have the hardest time resisting to indulge with it there ALL the time. Instead of indulging my father in what he wants she needs to stop it. Stop buying him oreos and apple pie and ice cream. Like effing christ. My eating habits are from them. This is WHY I had to work so hard. This is what I’m constantly fighting my weight and my cravings. Its why I didn’t have a clue what healthy eating was to begin with.

I just want to be normal. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to feel like I have to skip or eat a special separate dinner to eat with them. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

I feel so defeated. My weight has jumped insane amounts. I am past where I said I would never return. I just want to leave so bad, but I can’t. =/ 

Someone have any clue where to go from here? I feel so defeated. Guess I’ll always looks this way. I give. 

-B

 

Updates

Okay. I’ve been absent but life had gone nuts for quite a bit and with it went my weight.

EFF. Here we go again.

School/End Of Year

Through finals I was on the edge fighting for a lot of my grades. I had pretty much given up hope on organic but wasn’t going down without a fight. I kind of assumed I was going to have to retake it getting a possible C which does not help with my MD dreams. Somehow I kicked butt on the final and ended up with a B. A freaking B! Holy shit! I was praying for a B- but hot damn I did it. Got A in psychopathology and my research 499 and an A- in my cadaver dissection. A graduate course, which I am quite pleased with. Deans list baby! Med school here I come…I hope.

Life

I’m now home. The semester finished up I cleaned up and completed my RA duties. Won RA program of the year. Very proud of that. Said goodbye to my staff and am finally home. Love and hate being home all at once. My Mom drives me a little crazy and I’ve only been home for 5 days. I don’t have room for any of my clothes or things which is frustrating. But it’ll work out, I think. Still looking for a job. Set up a lot of shadowing opportunities this summer. 1 pediatrician 1 OBGYN and 1 hospitals and hopefully a podiatrist. Gotta get the experience in! I also want to get more involved in my home church and volunteer some more. Can’t wait!

Health

Here is my embarrassment. Through the past month/4 weeks I have gained roughly 15lbs. I know its horribly disgusting. Just grades had to come first. I didn’t have time to walk across the 1/2 mile campus there and back to go eat the salads. =/ It’s not that I’ve eaten all that bad, in addition I just haven’t had time to work out. Thats the frustrating part with my body. I feel like I gain weight so much easier than everyone else. Its not massive portions and its not extremely unhealthy. Its just not salads every day. Which is sort of disheartening. Its like, to be anywhere near normal do I have to really eat salads everyday for my body? I’m limiting calorie intake to 1300calories and still watching it…but I guess I wish I could maintain with that. I need to get over my pity party. Time to suck it up and eat rabbit food and exercise once again. Its my own fault my body is like this so here I am taking responsibility.

Love

ummm…so I’m dating someone? He is exactly everything I would never imagine dating but I like him. He’s got some bad habits (smoking ew) but I like him all the same. Met in h.s and just reconnected. I’ll keep you all posted.

Time to be religious about blogging and being accountable for my weight. Here we go summer!

-Becky

A Mothers Approval-An emotional, honest, and raw post

Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval. 

So, currently sitting in Panera writing this getting ready to bunker down and do some homework. Unfortunately  I am sitting at a big table for 4 when it’s busy because there were NO OTHER CHAIRS so I look like a jerk. Dear, Panera goers, I am NOT A JERK. There were just no other tables! I swear.

Anyway. I just felt the need to write this post because of what just took place. My mom said “Good Job” for the amount of weight I’ve lost. This is the first compliment my mothers has given me about my body. This has been the first not backhanded compliment/encouragement she has made since I’ve started this journey. She was dropping me off  at Panera while the oil in my car was being changed. She said she was looking at old pictures of me and my sister, and it was amazing to her, the amount of weight we’ve both lost. “Good Job”. I just nodded back a bit dumb founded and not sure how to react. My mother and my relationship is a bit complicated to say the least.

Some Back Story: She has always been thin and beautiful one.She is my superhero. Not many people can say their mother went back to school while working part time and having 2 children both under the age of 3 with pets. Though I know she loves me, growing up she has been somewhat wrapped up in her own life. I went through a really rough time with both my parents once I got past the age of 13. I have had random moments of depression and a lot of my own issues that they never really knew about. Partially because I didn’t tell them but partially because they didn’t care to know or address it. Its made me and my parents relationship somewhat distant and weird. Since coming to college it has gotten better, but it is far from ideal. Most of that is because I honestly hold back and keep to myself, but if it keeps the house peaceful I’m for it. I wish I could say that me and my mom are best friends like Rory and Lorelei Gilmore, but we aren’t. Its just a fact. I wish I could share things with them, but its just not our relationship.

Back to the present: I’m sitting just confused about what took place. Any time my mother has commented on my body, before or after weight loss it has always been about how I could lose a bit more. Or how I could eat better. Or where I could get connected for help. Or how some article of clothing will look better in a few months. She has always tried to keep improving me. She means well but with my body issues and probably a mix of me being sensitive its taken a toll on me. I’ve never felt that she has been very happy with me. Please do NOT critique my mother, its my own feelings that need to be evaluated here, not her.  I’ve never felt like I could ever just be enough with her. I don’t think she has meant to do this and I know she loves me but its been hard. For a long time now I have been wanting her to make some sort of positive comment. Even more so with my weight loss. Just say one good thing about how I look nice not that I need to keep going. Trust me I KNOW I need to keep going. I’ve just been waiting for what feels like for FOREVER for this one little thing. For her stamp of approval.

Sitting in Panera now I realize I have been subconsciously striving for my mothers approval for what appears to be years. Its so obvious to me now. I’ve ached for it even more since my weight loss started since this past summer.Thinking that once it’s gone I’d finally be enough. Looking back I’m realizing that when that compliment never came this past summer/fall, I finally gave up on ever hearing it. After losing so much weight she still never said it. What else could I do? I came to terms that I needed to accept myself and let that be enough. But as I write this I find myself on the brink of tears. She said it. She finally said it, and I have this raw hallow ache in my chest. Its so hard to explain. I don’t know what to say or how to analyze it. But I knew I needed to write it down, get it out, tell someone. Even if its just a computer screen. Not sure if its a happy or sad feeling, but its a feeling all the same.

Sometimes all you need is a mother’s approval. 

Quick weight update.Still going good. Eating healthy. Been sick since spring break started so havent been able to hit the gym the way I wanted. With this cold though, there was no way. Almost to those beautiful 170s!

With peace,

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:182.8lb4

Weight loss so far: 52.2lbs

Meeting a trainer-Self consious

Spring break has given me a chance to focus on me, my diet, and exercise. Its great because during midterms there was no time and it wasn’t even a thought in my mind.

Today I am actually going to meet a trainer to see what we can do about my arms. Super excited but nervous all at the same time. I find myself getting those same feelings I had last summer when I first started working out. You know the feelings. The one saying everyone is judging you and how fat you are. That the trainer is grossed out by you. People at the gym are all staring…ect. I think this thought process is a large part of the cycle for obesity/overweight epidemic in America. Gyms are freaking scary and judgmental places for overweight people. Even if they’re not watching you, and no one probably really cares, it still feels that way. I will admit there are times I just hope I disappear into the corner during my run and no one will notice. Now, I can’t speak for everyone but it seems to be a recurrent theme with people new to exercise or just body conscious.  Anyway. Mini rant over.

I’m going at noon and am excited and trying to keep focused. But it doesn’t help that she described herself as short small blonde with blue eyes. She sounded super sweet on the phone but who wants to work out with Barbie? Seriously. I don’t know. Im just being insecure. I might love her. I need to just relax.

On the upside I’m back where I need to be and then some after my slip up! A full 51lbs off me! Thank goodness. Now to the gym!

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:184.0lb4

Weight loss so far: 51.0lbs

Regret

I’ve been postponing this blog. I have gone on a major back slip. With the stress of midterms I have been gorging myself and eating disgustingly large amounts of food. I’m so embarrassed and regret it so much. A lot of my hard work over 3 weeks is gone again. I gained 7lbs or so. Its amazing how I gain about 2lbs every day which is an unfortunate truth to my body.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will win this fight. I will. I can’t loose and keep doing this to my body. I even feel bad and get sick feeling. Its time to change back to the lifestyle outlook. Not just every few weeks. I am setting a long term goal here. By the beginning of june ( a little over 3 months or so) I want to be 30lbs lighter. Thats 10lbs a month, a little over 3 lbs a week. If anything I’d rather try and fall short, than not try at all. I can do this. I have to do this. This is for me. I am important enough to make this effort and take the time for myself. Tomorrow church, homework, gym. Must eat healthy. I can’t wait!

50lbs! Posting pictures! With a slight concern?

Hi everyone!

I have officially lost 50lbs!!! Oh my gosh thats nuts! Its crazy to think I was carrying around all that extra weight. For every extra pound on your body that places 4lbs on your knees. I have released 200lbs on my knees. So I’ve been very steadily and rapidly loosing weight. I’ve chalked it up to eating clean and running every day as well as free weights every other day straight for two weeks. However, I am somewhat concerned because I feel the weight is coming off really fast which ISN’T normal to me. I lost 30lbs very very slowly. Granted I didn’t eat as clean then and I’ve been reading 80% is diet and 20% is the gym which would explain it a bit. My concern lies in the fact that I ALWAYS want to be healthy about my weight loss. I’ve looked over what I’m eating and its pretty well balanced as well as I am over calorie limits pretty frequently. I’m just working out to compensate. So I’m not anywhere near starving myself, I like food too much to do so. Also I’m a bit surprised because every now and then I’m eating small “bad” things like 3 mini Reesces peanut butter cups to treat myself. I can’t eliminate all chocolate forever, it only will make dieting harder! AT least for me it would. But here are some pictures. I am without a doubt smaller than I was in high school! I just have to keep going =]

Me summer 2011 probably close to my 235lb->summer 2012 after 30lbs-> Me now 50lbs lighter than the first!

Before Summer 2011- Weight roughly 235

After: Summer 2012- Weight roughly 205.5

Me now! Winter 2013 184.5lbs

I also finally have collar bones? I’ve never had them. Its just a start but I need to focus on the changes because lately I haven’t seen much of a difference between picture 2 above and now.

Collar bones? Winter 2013 184.5lbs

Me around my 16th birthday

summer 2007

Me in the sameish outfit now

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:184.8lb4

Weight loss so far: 50.2lbs

What I “Use” For Weight Loss

Hey everyone!

So I got an interesting message the other day asking about what things I “use” to help me lose weight/keep me motivated. Looking back I used/currently use quite a few things.

RUNNING:

When I started running I used Coach to 5K app. It works great for some, but for me it actually slowed me down. Some days it was too hard to finish and others it was like cake. The way it accelerates just doesn’t fit me. Though, I’ve known people who have been amazingly successful on it. I just went with the push it strategy. I signed up for a 5K and that motivated me to run so I didn’t look silly in front of people in 3months. It does a good job of training people to do a warm up. I don’t run without at least walking at a fast pace for 5 minutes. Its taught me the importance of warm ups.

EXERCISE:

I had to basically teach myself how to work out. Not the running portion more the weights. The internet has a TON of useful information. Pages like Pinterest, Youtube, and blogs just like this one. The more I educated myself the more effective my work outs could be. It can be hard to pick through some of the crazy things. Realize that the fad diets as well as the one exercise that will help you lose 50lbs is made up. This journey is a long hard one and you just have to work for it. The only other thing you have to watch out for is to make sure all the exercises you’re doing is safe. Injury to the body is only going to slow your weight loss down. So make sure you’re taking care of it!

 

FOOD:

Also when learning how to eat healthy/better/cut calories I used myfitnesspal app. I cannot rave about this app enough! It has helped me in so many ways. First I started with simply eating less and cutting my calories. But in this app there is a “weekly” outlook for calorie amounts. So even if I messed up a day it keep me focused on a small “long term” goal of the week. In addition to that it has two tabs one listing the actual “numbers” of what you’re eating like 24 sugars out of the suggested 168g a day. The second tab on it is a pie chart of the day. It visually shows you what percentage of your food is protein,fat, and carbs. This helped me actually eat BETTER. Noticing I didn’t have very many carbs one day helped me chose a dinner plate with more to help balance out my eating. Also you can see how meals affect your diet for the day prior actually eating it. Again another way to make healthier choices. I slowly shifted from eating less calories to eating healthy calories. In addition to the food portion, it has the ability to subtract your calories for work outs and track your weight and measurements as you go. All this in one little convenient spot! LOVE ITI had a weight waters scale that measures to the .1lbs. This has really helped me see the changes in my body no matter how small and I am grateful.

Motivation:

As far as accountability goes I enlisted a few different tactics. One, I wrote out my goals. Here and a few other places. Two, I told my friends. The more people who knew the more support I got as well as helped me make healthy choices while dinning out. Or at least tried being considerate and making sure their is a healthy option at their party. I am brutally honest with myself and write it here. Forcing myself to tell you all has made me want to keep up my goals. I spent money on my race I signed up for so I didn’t want to back out. Also, Pinterest has a million and one health pins. From exercise, healthy meals, as well as motivation quotes and tools. Finally, other’s weight loss journeys helped inspire me so much. They make is seem so much more doable than like this crazy unachievable goal. Thank you for everyone who is open about your journey, it has helped me tons!

The biggest thing why my weight loss has worked this time was my mindset. I am doing this for me and getting healthy. Not for vanity, because other people tell me I should,

Also, still going strong!!! See below.

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:186.8lbs

Weight loss so far: 48.2lbs

3 E’s and 7 goals update-5 days. Posted day 6

THREE Es Update

Eating Update: Doing really well. Trying to keep things mixed up. Unfortunately campus food has caused me to at least have a salad once a day. A little bit annoying. Trying to try new foods expand my “yum” options.

Exercise Update: I’ve been getting on the treadmill every day for 5 days straight. Tonight I crossed the under 9 minute mile goal. I did a quick warm up. Ran a 1 mile at 6.7mph. Then ran .50 miles at 6.8mph and finally, a .25mile at 7mph. Then a cool down. Not the longest run. But I beat my goal. Whoo rah. My weight is definitely dropping. See below.

Emotional update: I’m okay. Needed to go to small group tomorrow night. Hopefully keep up on my getting back to church goal. I need to get onto my homework tonight after this episode of Big Bang Theory (such an amazing nerd show-LOVE IT).And a Shower.

MY SEVEN GOALS

3/7 completed within 5 days.

1-Get back into the habit of eating “clean” Done for 5 day

2-Exercise 4 days a week and go hard. If I’m not sore, I did it wrong. Possibly go again. Done 5 days by tuesday. Debating going all week =D

3- Get back to church. Which I’ve started some.

4-Stop procrastinating school!!! I’m the worst at this.

5-Be the best RA possible.

6-Be able to run a 9 minute mile Finished in less than week on day 5. WHOO HOO! Guess some of my summer running did carry over. That or the mental part to it did.

7-Be able to run a 5k without stopping.-yep, I lost all my hard work this summer. Gah.

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:187.6lbs

Weight loss so far: 47.4lbs

Stepping on the Scale day 1

So after a decent-ish weekend of working out and such I decided to weigh myself to see if I got the week one drastic drop and I did. Yay! Its only been 3 days and I lost 1 lb. Granted its week one and I usually loose the most weight at this time I need to try to keep in mind that it won’t always be like this. To keep some perspective I reread my own weighing in on weigh-in post. I suggest it if you’re someone who tends to struggle with the number on the scale. Don’t worry, we all do.

 

I think my next post is going to be regarding cravings since I’m having them up to the yin yang today. Ugh. Week one for sure.

Here is to another day of being happy healthy and alive. 

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:189.0lbs

Weight loss so far: 46.0lbs

I’m BACKKKKKKKKK!

Hey all,

So I’ve been not writing for a while. I also had stopped loosing weight and working out. I had a rough semester a mix of having severe mono, getting over my ex, finding my place and way around school again. It was just one giant cluster F. I gained and lost and ultimately was able to pretty much maintain in the 195lbs range. But I decided its time to start caring about myself again. Being selfish and taking the time for myself.

I find that for me, setting short term goals and writing them down helps me.

1-Get back into the habit of eating “clean”

2-Exercise 4 days a week and go hard. If I’m not sore, I did it wrong. Possibly go again.

3- Get back to church. Which I’ve started some.

4-Stop procrastinating school!!! I’m the worst at this.

5-Be the best RA possible.

6-Be able to run a 9 minute mile

7-Be able to run a 5k without stopping.-yep, I lost all my hard work this summer. Gah.

But thats about it. 7 goals. I want to keep these for the next 5 weeks. So one week after my personal spring break. Here is to hopping this all works out.Sorry for this being so random if anyone is reading, I just needed this out of my head. Well, I’m off to the gym!

-B

Peak Weight: 235lbs

Start Weight: 225lbs

Current Weight:190.0lbs

Weight loss so far: 45.0lbs