Its been a little while since I’ve posted consistently. Since last summer’s back injury mixed with what my doctor now expects to be endometriosis my health has been an uphill a battle. Not just weight loss, but attempting day to day function.
Weight loss has been about the furthest thing from my mind. I’m just sick of being in pain all the time. Most days I’m exhausted and just getting up and taking care of myself is hard. Things have gotten worse and my back may now actually be linked to my suspected endometriosis. Now its extremely rare for this to be true, but my doc has a hunch based off of when my back problems flare up.
Currently I am deciding which treatment routes I want to take. Exploratory surgery or crazy hormone therapy. Not sure which is the worst of two evils. Personally, I am scared of both, but I’m to the point that I’m more afraid of not living my life.
Honestly. Lately, for the last year I haven’t been able to live my life. This chronic pain has controlled me from the beginning. I’m sick of feeling like a flake and canceling on friends because of last-minute pain or sickness. I’m tired of lying to my guy friends about whats wrong with me. Annoyed with it wrecking my grades and forcing me to tell my teachers about it. Moving test dates or outright getting zeros. I’m done with this.
Pain that last more than a week at a time is mind numbing. It used to be just one week a month which was exhausting, yet, manageable. Now it is something that has expanded to the week before and week after. That means I get 1 good week a month. Only 1. I get to live 12 weeks out of 56 a year. I’d rather die.
I live in fear of flare ups. I worry about having to make a quick exit. I can’t be as spontaneous or do random things with my friends. I have to always make sure a bathroom or trashcan is near in case I get sick. Forget about long road trips or beaches or camping really. All 3 things, I used to adore. Its controlling me. Its controlling the people I love.
Its taken a toll on my whole family, my roommate, friends. The ones who know, worry. To them, it’s not normal to see someone so sick or in pain all the time. I hate making them worry. I really really hate it. Part of why I try to hide it so much. Its a fine balance as far as talking about it goes. Isolation can make it harder, but explaining can be worse and make a relationship weird. So I chose silence. Much to my dismay, there have been a lot of times where I can’t hide it. I try explaining that this is my normal. This is the hand I was dealt and I just have to deal. I get sick and I hurt really bad. Thats that. Nothing anyone can really do. No doctor has ever been able to really help me. So what now?
Iburophen, vicoden, flexerol, various muscle relaxers, narco…you name it, I’ve tried it and none of these medications do anything for the pain. So I just don’t take them. I’m scared of taking them anyway, feels like I’m poisoning my body. I literally just have to deal with it. Well I’m done dealing with it.
What do you do when you’re trapped in your own body? When you’re so tired and you’ve given up on being normal?
I want my body and my life back.
So I just want to say shopping is the most frustrating thing in the world. I have no idea how some women find it therapeutic at all. It just stresses me out to no end. I find if I look in “plus sized” sections or stores I’m not big enough.
For a large woman, I have probably the tiniest butt ever mix it with being top heavy causes shopping to be just about impossible. But when I’m in those sections I also find they are filled with over bedazzled crap. Or really ugly “minimizing” patterns. Who said plus size needs to be gross? Seriously? You’re SUPPOSED to be fashionable. On another note, since when did I need to be labeled as a “diva” or “fabulous” to be that size? Last I checked 1/2 the time I hate those words.But if I’m overweight I obviously have low self esteem and need it to be boosted by these words…..NOT. But who is to say women of other sizes large or small can’t be a diva or fabulous either.
When I go into normal sized stores I don’t see any of that B.S advertising talked about above. When entering I go right to the larger sections the very back of the rack. I have no illusions about my size, but majority of the time they have only 1 or 2 items in the large size. Last I checked there are more than 2 overweight women wanting to look cute, and forget about carrying XL. In the rare event that they have a plus size AND its in the store(A lot of the time you HAVE to go online) I find that the clothes only get wider. And winder by like 5times. Just because your large is the size of my calf doesn’t mean the XL needs to be the size of a tarp. I’m usually swimming in the stuff. And most of the time they are STILL too short which is the reason the large didn’t work in the first place. Simply because my chest caused the shirt to pull up and I don’t want to show my mid drift to the world. But that problem isn’t fixed in the “plus size” or larger sections of stores. So ANNOYING!
But basically, anyone out there know where to find cute clothes? For us in between girls I mean. The ones who never quite fit in anywhere. Honestly, at the end of the day I don’t give a damn what the size says, or where its from, I just want to look good and feel good in it. I’ll step off the soap box now.
Signed, an in between girl.
I find myself on yet another upswing on my weight. I can’t seem to get it straightened out permanently. But something I am coming to realize is that a lot of this has to do with my own self worth.
As with a lot of things in life that deal with our appearance, the way we dress, the make up we put on, how we do our hair, and yes our fitness has to do with self worth. Is going out of your way, or those extra 5 minutes of waking up early to get ready, are they worth it to you? It boils down to are you worth enough to yourself to put the effort into taking care of you.
Unfortunately what has brought me to this realization is my own lack of self worth. As I sit here in the library and reel at the thought that I am admitting this to the blank face of the internet is scary, just ask yourself this simple question. How much do you care about yourself?
Over the past semester I’ve let my self worth slip in multiple situations. As I sit here, I feel the need to write them and hopefully purge them. Skip to the next paragraph if you don’t care to read into specifics.
1-I started dating someone who did not treat me the way I deserved. I find it almost hard to admit that. That I have a standard and that I deserve better. I let him get by with treating me pretty awfully and allowing him to make me feel small and weak. Even through this break up (hasn’t even been a week) I’m struggling, but I’m getting there.
2-All I’ve really done this semester has been study and that fact has probably been part of my struggle. Truth be told, we all deserve a little fun and a break. I should have made more time for people. Doing this caused me to be exhausted and overcome with spurts of depression where on my one day off all I did was hide in my room. Simply waiting for my guy to call, which he never did. Cool right? Unfortunately, I am unable to say that my studying really even paid off.
3-I’ve let my weight go. I didn’t decide hey, I’m worth the extra work. Now I didn’t mentally say, hey lets give up. It was just the ever waning promise of, “I’ll get to it tomorrow”. Which is my own fault, but on some level I truly let some of that depression take control. That depression that started from my lack of putting effort into myself.
4- I haven’t put as much effort into dressing myself or getting up early to take care of my overall look. Fact is, if you put effort into your look you WILL feel at least a little bit better. It will help you get out of bed. It will help you get up a bit earlier and take better care of yourself. Its a boost of confidence and we all need it.
Fact is, as hard as it is to admit sometimes, all these things I’ve talked about, everyone is worth it. No matter who you are, this is something that matters. Like I said a bit earlier, it affects your confidence and has a very real role in your everyday lives. So those 30 extra minutes to put yourself together is definitely worth it. You dear reader, are worth it.
No matter where you are in life. At the end of a break up. After a bad round of finals. After the loss of a job. Whatever the situation. You are worth it. So lets do this together, lets work on ourselves together. Lets put effort into ourselves, because were worth it.
Love you all
Dear Skinny Girl At The Gym,
Yes you. The one with the sports bra. You with the super tight legging/yoga pants. You who wears barley anything at the gym. I’m jealous of you.I wish I could feel that confident anywhere, let alone in a public place like the gym. I’m jealous of your body’s ability to move. How easily you glide past the miles. How you make it seem like running is nothing. I’m jealous of the lack of weight you have to push through. I can’t help but think, if you have the added pounds that I do, would you really be so eager to run? Would you really want to go to the gym as much as you do. That few miles I do are freaking hard! At least hard for me. Hell, showing up here with all the beautifully fit bodies to judge me was hard. I’m jealous of how you’re able to come without worrying who is around. Heck, you might even like the attention with your fit bum and tight abs and pretty arms. I long for that feeling. I hate how I feel everyone is watching the fat girl run.
I wish to be you skinny girl. I really do. I’m trying.
-Signed a fat chick at the gym.
So I’ve been kinda MIA, but school takes quite the amount of work. In addition to MCAT/grad school prep as well as my new guy ;-) I’ve been juggling a lot. I’ve gained and lost and gained and lost again in the range of 10lbs. I stepped on the scale and decided I am finally sick of this overweight crap. I’m just done with it and not dealing with it anymore. So here goes nothing. What I hope to be my last journey to making a permeating change to healthy living. Realizing I actually need to make my health a priority. Even if its only an hour at the gym and it takes time away from my studying, I find it helps me. I’m less anxious, I sleep better, the list goes on. Just function better. I don’t know. But it’s one of the perks to exercise. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this next week! The first 2 weeks are always the hardest.
Peak Weight: 235lbs
Start Weight: 225lbs
Weight loss so far: 26.2lbs
This past week was a struggle with food. I had 2 semi rough days, but not the worst. I tried balancing as best I could, but lets be honest, there is only so much you can do with pizza.
Pizza, my weakness, so cheesey yummy doughy goodness. So I chose to eat really clean for the past few days and it’s paid off! yay! I am down to 204.6lbs! I know it may not seem like much to some, but to me thats huge, and it feels great.
I also finally started to run again. I’ve only gone 2 times, and plan to go again, but DANG I am out of shape! Cardiovascular strength goes quick. If that isn’t a lesson to never quit ever again, I don’t know what is. But it feels good to finally work back into health. I’m lifting today so that’ll be interesting. My sister also has been helping me stretch my legs and gain flexibility. If any of you have any tips for loosening up your quads/hamstrings that’d be great. The time away mixed with the nerve damage has tightened them up really good.
In other news, I head back to school come the 5th. So my summer is ending all too soon. But thats ok. I’ll get to see everyone and move into my new place.
Peak Weight: 235lbs
Start Weight: 225lbs
Weight loss so far: 30.8lbs
Just had my first binge since the start of my weight loss. Woke up and feeling starved. Went downstairs thinking I’ll just have a small snack. Next thing I know I’ve downed a ton of food and killed a huge chunk of calories for the coming day, 1008 to be exact. Thats humiliating to even write. Its been about 10 minutes and I feel AWFUL. Like I want to puke my stomach hurts so bad. This is the worst part to binges. I just want to feel better but I just make myself sick and feel so guilty. On the upside I WAS 105.8lbs this morning but I’m sure thats about to change…..ugh. I hate this about myself.
Just needed to write and not focus on how gross I feel.
In addition to healthy eating I believe it’s important to keep your living space healthy as well. I’m not talking about cleanliness, though it is supposedly next to godliness. I’m talking about clutter. The clutter I accumulate oh so easily with my sentimental/hoarder ways. The biggest problem for me is clothes. Especially with how drastically my weight fluctuation is, its hard to let go of clothes. Even though I may not have worn it in ages, despite weight gain or loss, the voice in the back of my head says, “What if you NEED it later?” So I’ve been planning what I’ve labeled as, “The Purge”. I went through my whole closet tried EVERYTHING on and downsized. If I hesitated, I kept the mantra of there is something better that I’d rather wear. GET RID OF IT! I also had to rule of, if it went into the trash bag, it was NOT allowed to come out. I then reorganized my closet and took the bag to the mission. I believe it is more important to try to donate to homeless shelters than places like Goodwill when possible. Not to knock them, since I shop there all the time, just personal views. Honestly, it feels great! I feel like I’ve eliminated a ton of junk. This is also going to help a ton with summer coming to an end and yet another move coming my way.No point in moving and carrying things around I won’t wear or want to keep. Next on the list is the jewelry and bathroom purge. But those are way less time consuming that the closet. So yay!
Diet has been going okay. I’ve had a hard time starting back up with mini binges but I think I’ve finally gotten it under control. I realize for me the tradition has to be a bit slower to avoid feeling like I’m starving right off the bat. I found this is easiest for me since its a drastic adjustment because my struggle is portions, and I’m used to just filling myself. Instead of cutting off right away slowly doing it helps me stay on track. I’m proud to say I am down to 209.6 lbs! Which means I get my first “reward” off my list. Pedicure time with mom! =] Super excited and happy to be losing weight once again.
Have a great week everyone!
Peak Weight: 235lbs
Start Weight: 225lbs
Weight loss so far: 25.4lbs
Today God decided to randomly to hit me with a bit of perspective in life. It started with talking to my mother about dieting and losing weight. And it actually wasn’t too bad or critical. I could tell she was intentionally walking lightly. Trying to not push and buttons, which I appreciate. But I admitted that more than anything, I wanted to look good at graduation. She responded with, “I would really like you to be happier with yourself.” Without thinking I said, “I hate to break it to you, but I’ll need a lot more than shrinking to make me happy.” She paused for a moment and asked, “what would it take?” And I honestly wasn’t quite sure. I just shrugged it off and somehow pushed the conversation onto something else knowing it was linked to some emotional baggage.
But is stuck with me. What would it take? Honestly. I think thats a question I’ve rarely asked myself. I think its a good question to ask yourself. What would it take to make yourself happy? If your unhappy, what would it take to change that? I had to really sit down and think about it. Losing weight is one for me. Getting healthier and being more active is another. Getting into medical/graduate school would also be big for me. Making better friends. Along with my others that I’m keeping to myself for now. My suggestion to you is Go Make A List! Sometimes list making helps identify what our next move needs to be. What we can actively do to change and reach our goals.
In today’s society we are always told to strive for more, but what are you happy about now? Why aren’t you happy now? Despite motivational things about living in the moment and living for today I find it impossible to do. A mix of media and college saying plan for your future all the time makes it hard. Always having thinking about tomorrow and not now. Not being happy or content where I am at, and always looking to improve since where I am at
is so awful. Not to knock self improvement, by any means. I’m wanting to lose a large amount of weigh for pete sake! But take a moment, is it really so awful? Where you are right now is probably a lot better than what you think. Where did this idea of where you’re at is not good enough to make you happy now come from? My suggestion, Make Another List! For me, I’m thankful for my loving family, no matter how dysFUNctional. For my blessings in life, like my car, my ability to attend school, my phone, the few supportive friends I do have. My freedom as an American and so many others. As I got into it I realized, Its not the happy people that are thankful. Its the thankful people that are happy.
So, what does it take to make you happy? Why aren’t you happy now? Think about it
I figured I should write out how I’m restarting. Last week I was around 215-218lbs but this morning I found myself at 212.6 lbs. Yay, better than where I was.Today I’m starting over eating healthier. Also, my sister and I plan on going for a walk or a mini bike ride. Its not going to be very intense but better than nothing right? I’m getting my life together and things organized which is exciting. Its about to be a great year =] Another up, I probably will be seeing M in 2 days. So excited ^.^
Peak Weight: 235lbs
Start Weight: 225lbs
Current Weight:212.6 lb4
Weight loss so far: 22.4lbs